IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. why is thi the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #thi #case #development
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some minors are busy with their
smartphones
Use synonyms
 for hours every day it is because they find it amusing. In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 the advantages of
this
Linking Words
 development outweigh the disadvantages. In my opinion, the main reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
Linking Words
 issue is that parents should control the usage of
smartphones
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
by
show examples
 their kids . Recent researches show that using
smartphones
Use synonyms
release
Correct subject-verb agreement
releases
show examples
 dopamine (pleasure hormone) in the brain and makes it hard for humans to put their phones away. Another reason is that they find hobbies and games they can not find in real life.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
smartphones
Use synonyms
 made knowledge and science more accessible than ever. Kids all over the world have equal access to
this
Linking Words
 great source. Now everyone can participate in online classes
for example
Linking Words
 in covid19 pandemic every student thas had a smartphone could participate in online classes.
This
Linking Words
 source of knowledge can help children to explore
through
Change preposition
apply
show examples
different jobs and university majors so they can find their path for the future. In conclusion, if parents limit their
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 usage of
smartphones
Use synonyms
 it could benefit their life and their future.
Submitted by otwmidmail on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Make sure to organize your essay with clear paragraphs for each main point. This will help in structuring the logical flow of your ideas.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples or evidence to support your main points. For example, mentioning a specific study or statistic can strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Ensure that all reasons and points mentioned are thoroughly explained. Some points in your essay were not fully developed.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in framing your essay well.
task achievement
You addressed both parts of the prompt by discussing the reasons and giving your opinion on whether it's a positive or negative development.
task achievement
Your essay recognizes the positive aspects of smartphone use, such as access to knowledge and education, which adds depth to your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: