IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

All over the world, societies are facing a growing problem with obesity. This problem affects both children and adults. What are the reasons for this rise in obesity, How could it be tackled?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nations worldwide are encountering a huge issue with
Correct article usage
the spreads
show examples
spreads
Fix the agreement mistake
spread
show examples
 of obesity among the residents. Which
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
correlate with
an inferior habits
Correct the article-noun agreement
an inferior habit
inferior habits
show examples
. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will explain my view of aspects
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
 detail. On the one hand, increasing
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the consumption of fast foods in the communities had an adverse effect
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the population.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
expansion
Correct article usage
the expansion
show examples
 of restaurants chin in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
recent years
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 the main reason for
this
Linking Words
 obesity.
Secondly
Linking Words
, most people tend to consume a lot of sugar and snacks between their essential meals which
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
in
indirect
Change the article
an indirect
show examples
 way
led
Wrong verb form
leads
show examples
 to
overproduction
Correct article usage
the overproduction
show examples
 of glucose in their body and uncontrolled by
pancreas
Add an article
the pancreas
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, Kwait on of these countries which
complain
Correct subject-verb agreement
complains
show examples
 of widespread
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
overweight among the inhabitant, and when we look
to
Change preposition
at
show examples
 their daily habit, we
found
Wrong verb form
find
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 consume a vast quantity of sweets.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, solving
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
 problem could be
challenge
Add an article
a challenge
show examples
.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
changing for
Verb problem
they change
show examples
 the pattern of their lives and a strict commitment.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the implementation of the exercises in the schools and
encourage
Wrong verb form
encouraging
show examples
 them about the benefits.
Also
Linking Words
, start with healthy food and motivate the families.
For instance
Linking Words
, China was one of the first countries whose introduce
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sports equipment
schools
Change preposition
in schools
show examples
 which had a beneficial effect in reducing weight. In conclusion, I believe that any change in our daily routine will directly enhance our health and
contributes
Correct subject-verb agreement
contribute
show examples
 to
preserve
Verb problem
preventing
show examples
 us from
gain
Replace the word
gaining
show examples
 weight. Encouraging
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
students to practice exercises on of the crucial elements to tackle
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
 issue.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Work on integrating and organizing your ideas more logically to improve the flow of the essay.
task achievement
Attempt to provide more comprehensive ideas to fully develop your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps provide structure.
task achievement
Examples are provided to support main points, which is beneficial for demonstrating understanding.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: