The growing numbers of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#numbers #people #strain #health #care #system #effort #education #lessons #school #curriculum

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?

Their

Replace the word

There

show examples

is a huge

tention

Correct your spelling

tension

on the health care system to manage the obesity medical problems

due to

the

raising

Correct your spelling

rising

show examples

numbers of obese. It is argued some citizens believe that to reduce

this

apperance

Correct your spelling

appearance

we should

emphasis

Replace the word

emphasise

show examples

Change preposition

apply

show examples

physical education lessons in the

school

curriculum

whereas

other

Fix the agreement mistake

others

show examples

do not. In my

opinion

Add a comma

opinion,

show examples

I do not completely agree with the nation

due to

several factors. On

one

Correct article usage

the one

show examples

hand, increasing the physical

lesson

Fix the agreement mistake

lessons

show examples

school

show

Correct subject-verb agreement

shows

show examples

a crucial effect on

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

overwheight

solving-problems

Correct your spelling

problems

show examples

However

, their is a several factors

can

Correct pronoun usage

that can

show examples

highly affect

this phenomena

Change the determiner

this phenomenon

these phenomena

show examples

such

as the lowering of junk

foods

Fix the agreement mistake

food

show examples

costes

Correct your spelling

costs

Moreover

, the low prices of fast foods facilitate

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

people

Change noun form

people's

show examples

purcheses

Correct your spelling

purchases

. In order if we higher the amount of junk

foods

Fix the agreement mistake

food

show examples

this

will help to

decline

Verb problem

decrease

show examples

the number

people

Change preposition

of people

show examples

choose

Correct pronoun usage

who choose

show examples

it as a meal.

Furthermore

, it is more convenient to the citizens to

grap

Correct your spelling

grab

grasp

a fast food meal rather than preparing a healthy one.

On the other hand

, The number of social

physical

Correct word choice

and physical

show examples

activity

Fix the agreement mistake

activities

show examples

provided by

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

health

companys

Correct your spelling

companies

will encourage

people

to join

Correct pronoun usage

them

show examples

. In some

instences

Correct your spelling

instances

, increasing citizen knowledge through active exercise or competition will show a significant impact on

people

Change noun form

people's

show examples

health.

Furthermore

, the

awarenece

Correct your spelling

awareness

level of

the

Remove the article

apply

show examples

all generations can

highly

Add a missing verb

be highly

show examples

affected

with

Change preposition

show examples

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

physical social activities.

While

increasing the number of physical

lessen

Correct your spelling

lesson

show examples

school

curriculum is limited

Change preposition

show examples

children and adolescents.

To conclude

, the

improntantce

Correct your spelling

importance

of physical

lesson

Fix the agreement mistake

lessons

show examples

school

plays a significant role in the reduction of

obese

Replace the word

obesity

show examples

However

Add a comma

However,

show examples

their

Replace the word

there

show examples

Correct subject-verb agreement

are

show examples

several factors

have

Correct pronoun usage

that have

show examples

the same

importantce

Correct your spelling

importance

such

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

education through social competition and decreasing the amount of junk food.

Submitted by rahafalkhashti7 on Tue Sep 24 2024

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

structure

The essay provides a well-developed introduction and conclusion that clearly state the writer's position.

range

Attempted to cover multiple aspects of the issue, showing a good range of ideas and understanding of the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

10
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
2
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
48
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 4.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 5.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

266 words

🚀 Prepare for IELTS writing section today!

Unlimited Task 1 & Task 2 checks
Practice with essays, charts, and letters.
Personalized suggestions & mistake analysis
Spot every mistake and boost your score.
Topic ideas & vocabulary helpers
Expand your ideas and use the right words.
Progress tracking
Watch your writing improve with every practice.

Topic Vocabulary:

overweight
healthcare system
strain
physical education
school curriculum
childhood obesity
health issues
diabetes
heart disease
preventative measures
mental health
overall wellness
controlled environment
participation
nutritional education
community health initiatives

What to do next:

Look at other essays:

7
band
Health services are a basic necessity. However private companies have made them quite costly foe ordinary individuals. Do the advantages of private health care outweighs it's disadvantages
Since medical care is indispensable, individual private healthcare providers have made their services expensive for the average citizen. I think the benefits outweigh the detriments, because even though they are more expensive for the poor masses, it is undeniable that they provide better quality of service.
7
band
You recently noticed a local restaurant that was offering a part-time job. Write a letter to the restaurant’s manager. In your letter, – explain that you would like to apply for the job – give some details of any relevant experience that you have – specify the days and times that would suit you
I recently saw that you are offering a part-time job for your local restaurant. I want to let you know that I am interested in that position. I am 25 years old, a university student and I really need a part-time job to cover my expenses.
4.5
band
Many think that religion should be taught in schools while others think it should be avoided. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.
Over the past decades, the significance of learning religion has grown tremendously, concerning students' parents and society about teaching children about it and supplement into school curriculum. Many people accept this opinion, whereas others believe it should be restricted from education system.
5.5
band
A report indicated that many children between 7 and 11 years old watch television and/or play video games too much. How does the problem affect? What measures can be taken to control it?
A report depicted that a lot of children around 7 until 11 years old are addicted to watch television or play video games. It will lead to bad eyesight and a serious problem in the future. Meanwhile, the role of the parents is really important here to control the using of handphone and TV. I highly suggest for the parents to set a screentime schedule.
7
band
Some people think that the range of technology currently available is increasing the gap between rich people and poor people. Others think that it is causing the opposite effect. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
The advent of modern technology has sparked a debate on its impact on social inequality. Some argue that the increasing range of technology widens the gap between the rich and the poor, while others believe it has the opposite effect, bridging this divide. Both perspectives offer compelling arguments, and a balanced analysis can help us understand the broader implications of technological advancements.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Health services are a basic necessity. However private companies have made them quite costly foe ordinary individuals. Do the advantages of private health care outweighs it's disadvantages

Many think that religion should be taught in schools while others think it should be avoided. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

A report indicated that many children between 7 and 11 years old watch television and/or play video games too much. How does the problem affect? What measures can be taken to control it?

Some people think that the range of technology currently available is increasing the gap between rich people and poor people. Others think that it is causing the opposite effect. Discuss both views and give your opinion.