IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people think that some type of criminals should not go to prison, instead they should do unpaid work in the community. To what extent do you agree?

#people #type #criminals #prison #work #community
These days unemployment has increased
due to
 growth in inflation but the most effective method for dealing with unemployment is by getting a weekly stipend from the government. Some people believe that individuals should work to earn a living rather than
relying
Wrong verb form
rely
show examples
 on government
programmes
Correct your spelling
programs
show examples
. I completely agree with the statement and in
this
 essay, I will support my opinion with examples.
Firstly
,
this
 approach will result in making people indolent and will demotivate other hardworking individuals.
For instance
, a man is working a 9am to 5pm job who does him with full determination and dedication to make a hard living
while
 a slothful man lies around receiving money from others. It would be unfair to the man who has a tough job.
Secondly
,
This
 policy can cause a great deal of financial strain on the country's economy and could have drastic effects on the national treasury as well.
For example
, 30% of Japan's yearly budget is spent on taking care of the homeless and needy. That amount of money can be spent on a far good cause if people are inclined to get jobs.
However
, in some case scenarios, financial aid becomes important,
Due to
 the high rate of inflation in some third-world countries humans have close to no work opportunities. So there is no other option, World Health Organization donates around 6 Billion dollars to small countries in Africa as they are underdeveloped. In conclusion,
although
 there are some cases where financial aid is significant
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 agree with the fact that every person should consider a job or a business to earn money rather than scavenging off of others.
Submitted by irsamahmood on

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task achievement
Your response to the task is fairly complete, but it can be improved. Ensure you address both sides of the argument more comprehensively. While you provided some reasons and examples, adding more depth and discussion would strengthen your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure, but there are areas that could be more cohesive. Ensure each paragraph flows well into the next. For example, improving transitions between the points about hard work versus government aid could enhance clarity.
task achievement
You provided examples to support your main points, which is good. However, some examples could be more specific or relevant. Additionally, ensure that your examples are clearly linked to your arguments to reinforce your points effectively.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your argument and provides a good structure for your essay.
task achievement
Your main points are supported with examples, which helps to illustrate your ideas.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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