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Band 4.5

These days more fathers stay at home and take care of their children while mothers go out to work. What could be the reasons for this? Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

#fathers #home #care #children #mothers #work #development
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In the world today, there are some situations
Change preposition
in that
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
women
Use synonyms
 go out to
work
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
men
Use synonyms
 stay at
home
Use synonyms
 to take
care
Use synonyms
 of their children. Several reasons will give and some positive development. Some reasons why
men
Use synonyms
 choose to stay at
home
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 go to
work
Use synonyms
 to earn money for their family.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
technology
Replace the word
technological
show examples
 development can create
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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new career paths for both of them.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
women
Use synonyms
 can have more opportunities to find
jobs
Use synonyms
 that they like.
For example
Linking Words
, in the past, there were fewer
jobs
Use synonyms
 suitable for
women
Use synonyms
 because most
jobs
Use synonyms
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 in farming, which often has many heavy activities, so people thought that
women
Use synonyms
 should stay at
home
Use synonyms
 and take
care
Use synonyms
 of their family
than
Rephrase
rather than
show examples
 go to
work
Use synonyms
 at the farms. But now
women
Use synonyms
 can have more chances to choose their
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
show examples
job
Change the noun form
jobs
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as teacher, saler, or manager in a company.
Thus
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 way can make an equivalent income for each family and they can easỉe to decide who should go to
work
Use synonyms
.
Second,
Linking Words
in the past, if
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
men
Use synonyms
 stayed at
home
Use synonyms
 and took
care
Use synonyms
 of children, they could be criticized by the public. But now when
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
Use synonyms
 becomes open,
men
Use synonyms
 can stay at
home
Use synonyms
 to look after their kids without criticism from
society
Use synonyms
 so it can lead to
decrease
Correct article usage
a decrease
show examples
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 stereotypes in
society
Use synonyms
. For several reasons, there are some positive developments
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
this
Linking Words
 situation.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
women
Use synonyms
 and
men
Use synonyms
 can do what they like.
For example
Linking Words
, if one of two spouses can
work
Use synonyms
 better than their partner and earn more salary, the other can stay at
home
Use synonyms
 to take
care
Use synonyms
 of the family.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
women
Use synonyms
 can choose to go to
work
Use synonyms
 that they like and
men
Use synonyms
 can stay at
home
Use synonyms
 and do
house
Correct your spelling
housework
show examples
work
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as cleaning the house, taking
care
Use synonyms
 of children or cooking food for their family. Because some
men
Use synonyms
 who have the ability to look after someone else are better than
women
Use synonyms
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
women
Use synonyms
 can do
these
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
jobs
Use synonyms
 they like and develop themselves.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
men
Use synonyms
 can reduce
pressure
Add an article
the pressure
show examples
 that they have a big duty to earn money and nurture
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the whole family. In conclusion,
development
Correct article usage
the development
show examples
 of technology can give everyone more opportunities to choose a career and do what they do better
as well as
Linking Words
 decrease pressure on
men
Use synonyms
 from
society
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by ieltsamiedu on

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task achievement
Work on providing more relevant and specific examples to support your points. This will strengthen your argument and make it more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your main points are well-supported with evidence or explanations. This will improve the overall strength of your essay.
task achievement
The essay addresses the topic and gives a clear response to the questions asked.
coherence cohesion
Good attempt at structuring the essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • breadwinner
  • caregiving
  • paternal leave
  • societal perceptions
  • gender roles
  • flexible working conditions
  • personal preference
  • father-child relationship
  • emotional and social development
  • household responsibilities
  • career opportunities
  • professional achievements
  • balanced parenting
  • earning potential
  • social stigma
  • societal pressure
  • discrimination
  • traditional mindsets
  • resentment
  • adjustment
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