IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Many people are now opting to provide technology companies with their personal data in exchange for access to software. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

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These days, a plethora of people are agreeing to the terms of the developers in return for usage of the application. The benefits of
this
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 software are efficient services in a timely manner ,
however
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, they store data and sell it to other companies as well for revenue generation, ruining the public’s privacy.
Therefore
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, in my opinion, the disadvantages of software usage are more than its advantages. On one hand, applications help individuals to get work done with convenience, at a higher speed and with accuracy. In
this
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 technical era, it’s extremely necessary to use service providers for work, travel, business, banking and even for buying food.
For example
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, Google provides its consumers with a variety of services across the sectors; namely Gmail for communication, YouTube for entertainment, Gpay for payments, Google Maps for navigation, Google Docs for presentations and education, etc. All these apps make it a lot easier to get things done in a busy schedule by just signing up with one company and creating a single digital account.
Nevertheless
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 , using technology comes with its drawbacks like exposure to personal
information
Use synonyms
 and location, as
while
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 signing up the disclaimer to accept cookies or the terms and conditions of the service , is required and the site can only be accessed after acceptance. These guidelines are usually permission to allow the collection and storage of private
information
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 and searches conducted on web search engines which can be used against the user if the need arises.
For instance
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, whenever we talk or search for a particular thing online, it suddenly starts appearing on all the applications.
This
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 is
due to
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 the leakage of
information
Use synonyms
 from one site to another as the data is sold for revenue generation by the developers.
To conclude
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, websites require a commitment to provide personal
information
Use synonyms
 in turn for consumption. and the drawbacks of
this
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 allowance are greater than its efficiency of service owing to the fact that it ruins privacy for monetary gains.

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task achievement
Your introduction is clear, but could be slightly improved by explicitly stating that you will be discussing both advantages and disadvantages before providing your opinion.
task achievement
The essay would benefit from more balanced coverage of the advantages and disadvantages. Currently, the disadvantages are more elaborated, making the argument a bit one-sided.
coherence cohesion
Try to avoid small grammatical and expression errors, such as "usage of the application" instead of "usage of applications" or "the software." Polishing these improves clarity and professionalism.
coherence cohesion
You have made good use of examples, especially with Google services, but make sure to always tie them back to the main point you are making in that paragraph.
task achievement
You've identified a clear thesis statement and position in the introduction paragraph, making it clear to the reader what your stance is.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are strong, giving a sense of completeness to the essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-organized, with each paragraph focusing on a single clear idea or aspect of the topic.
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