IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think that schools are too competitive and that this has a negative impact on children. Others believe the competitive environment encourages children to achieve. Discuss both these views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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In
this
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 hyper-competitive academic landscape, the relentless pursuit of academic excellence has led many students to be at war during exams; fighting to be the best of the best in their respective schools.
This
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 has recently caused a stir in the parent community, as they worry about their children's mental well-being. Undeniably, the harmless
competition
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 encourages young minds to thrive to be better, but at what cost? Some students are left burnt out
as a result
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 of cognitive overload.
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, is
this
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 healthy
competition
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 absolutely necessary? Or will it bring more harm than good? In
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 essay, I will discuss both views on the topic. Right off the bat, healthy peer pressure is absolutely necessary as young achievers can push each other across boundaries to achieve a milestone.
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, during my final exams, my friend and I would constantly call each other during the revision period, and we would take timed quizzes together and analyse our marks of improvement. Inevitably, both of us achieved the highest award for outstanding subject accomplishments. Without the constant
competition
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 and peer pressure, none of us could have made it
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 far.
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, self-sufficient stress is indispensable to encourage pupils to be at their best motivation in school.
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,
this
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competition
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 could be fatal if one tends to over-push their boundaries and is unable to control their emotions if failure arises. To illustrate
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 point, a student in the United Kingdom was once reported as dead by homicide of her own classmate. Driven by anger, the perpetrator stabbed her rival student using a pencil after getting the second-highest mark
instead
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 of the highest. Undoubtedly,
this
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 case has happened multiple times over the years and it has been the
counsellor
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counsellor's
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 responsibility to check on every student, even the brightest minds of the batch. In conclusion, I stand by my belief that competitions among younger demographics are the primary drivers
to
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of
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 success.
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, a pro-active modus operandi is required to monitor students who seem deteriorated and drained from the burden of studying.
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, addressing
this
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 burgeoning issue necessitates the implementation of holistic and evidence-based mental health programs.
Therefore
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, negative impacts can be averted to save a life of their own or of their surroundings.

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task achievement
Your essay does a great job in presenting both sides of the argument. However, try to make the body paragraphs more balanced in terms of length. The second paragraph is noticeably longer and more detailed compared to the first. A balanced discussion enhances the coherence of your essay.
task achievement
The conclusion effectively wraps up your argument. It restates your position and provides a final thought on the topic. However, incorporating a more direct statement of your opinion earlier in the essay (especially in the introduction) could make your stance clearer from the beginning.
coherence cohesion
While your essay is logically structured, work on smoother transitions between points to guide the reader more effectively from one idea to another. This will improve the overall flow and coherence.
coherence cohesion
The points made are well-supported with relevant examples, but consider varying sentence structures to avoid repetitive phrasing. This can improve readability and keep the reader engaged.
task achievement
You provided relevant and concrete examples to support your arguments, which strengthens the essay and makes your points more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively set up and close the discussion, respectively. This helps in framing the essay neatly and gives the reader a clear understanding of your perspective.
coherence cohesion
Your paragraphs are well-formed, each presenting a distinct point which makes your essay easy to follow and understand.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • undue stress
  • academic achievement
  • critical thinking
  • interpersonal skills
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • social isolation
  • bullying
  • reduced collaboration
  • motivation
  • achieve their goals
  • resilience
  • perseverance
  • innovation
  • improvement
  • outperform
  • higher standards
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