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Band 5.5

Many people aim to achieve a balance between work and other parts of lives,but few people achieve ir.What are the causes of problem? How to overcome it?

#people #aim #balance #work #parts #lives #ir
Dozens of thousands of
people
 want to create a balance between
work
 and their own lives.
However
, only a small percentage of
people
 could create it.There are several
reasons
 for
this
 problem,like misunderstanding in scheduling a
day
 or less amount of salary. In
this
 essay, I will explain the
reasons
 and solutions.
Although
 many
people
 aim to balance
work
 and life, they cannot manage their
time
.
This
 problem has several
reasons
.
Firstly
,many workers have no plans for daily
work
.
Therefore
,they cannot do all the tasks in
single
Add an article
a single
show examples
day
. And after that,they won't be able to spend
time
 with their family.
Moreover
, another reason is less amount of payments. Several hundreds of workers cannot earn enough in
single
Correct article usage
a single
show examples
work
,and after that,they will
work
 in several places at one
time
.
For instance
,if 1 person earns 200$ per month and
he
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
has 3 children,his family members should spend 1.3$ in one
day
.
For
this
reason
Add a comma
reason,
show examples
 the father works after the first job or at night. For the mentioned
reasons
 millions of
people
 are not able to create a perfect
day
. Adults can solve
this
 problem in several ways. One of the best solutions is to create a comfortable and best timetable. With a timetable, a person can do all tasks on
time
.
Additionally
, if
people
 do all projects and tasks on
time
,they won't
work
 after
work
time
 or at night. After that,they will have free
time
 to chat with their family or play with their children.
Furthermore
, another way of solving for less amounts of payments is
the
Change preposition
for the
show examples
 government should increase salaries amount. In conclusion, if humans do all things on
time
,they won't have to
work
 after ending of the workday.
Moreover
,
although
, a lower salary seems not enough,if the government does not increase the number of payments,workers cannot manage their budget.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the key points of the prompt, but further elaboration on each point would strengthen your response. Try to also add more specific examples to illustrate your points.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, the logical flow can be improved by using more transitional phrases and linking words to better connect your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in framing the discussion effectively.
task achievement
The arguments presented are relevant and related to the topic. You have successfully identified and explained the causes and solutions to the problem discussed.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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