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Writing Samples
Band 5

In some countries there are more young people choosing to enrol in work-based training instead of attending university. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages

#countries #people #enrol #university #situation
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Nowadays, the young generations prefer to sign to
Use synonyms
work based
Add a hyphen
work-based
show examples
 training model than to
joing
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join
joining
 the
university
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. In my
opinon
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opinion
, the benefits of
this
Linking Words
situation
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 are higher than the disadvantages.
Firstly
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, some of the advantages of
this
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situation
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 are that more young people would join the
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work life
Add a hyphen
work-life
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 sooner.
This
Linking Words
situation
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 will increase the amount of money that the government get from
salary-taxes
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salary taxes
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,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 are used later to maintain and improve the health system,
for
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example
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.
Moreover
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, another advantage that
this
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situation
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 could bring, is that the people that decide to join
this
Linking Words
 new way of learning would be more task orientated,
therefore
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 their
knowlogde
Correct your spelling
knowledge
 could be used more effectively as they would be experts in one thing. A clear
example
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 of these advantages could be seen
at
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in
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 the plumbing sector,
for
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example
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, they mainly learn their job as they
work
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 and they improve their skills with experience in the field, they are
a
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apply
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very efficient workers within their sector.
However
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, if the number of people
that
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who
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 attend
university
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decrease
Correct subject-verb agreement
decreases
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 the country
would
Wrong verb form
will
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 see a lack of development in fields that
requires
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require
show examples
 a deeper understanding.
For
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example
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, if we took the
example
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 of medicine, it
requieres
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requires
 a minimum of five years of
university
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 career.
After
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this
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lenght
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length
 of time, the students have to choose a speciality and they will have to continue their formation. But, during all these years of
preparation
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preparation,
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 they will not contribute to the
economy
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economic
show examples
 system.
To conclude
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, the benefits of having
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
enrolment by the young generations in
Use synonyms
work based
Add a hyphen
work-based
show examples
 training against
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
university
Use synonyms
 learning are
significant
Change the adjective
significantly
show examples
 higher, not just in the
economy
Replace the word
economic
show examples
 system, but to have
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
specific sectors that are able to resolve problems with a better level of
efficency
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efficiency
.
Submitted by alextf85 on

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task achievement
Try to elaborate more on each point and provide additional supporting details to enhance the response.
task achievement
Improve the clarity of your ideas and ensure each point is distinct and well-explained.
coherence and cohesion
Organize your essay more logically to ensure a smoother flow of ideas. Ensure each paragraph transitions neatly into the next to improve coherence.
general
Pay attention to spelling errors and grammatical mistakes. Simple mistakes can detract from the overall impression of the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Consider expanding the introduction and conclusion for a more robust argument.
task achievement
Your essay provides relevant and clear examples to support your points, which enhances the task achievement.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in framing your argument effectively.
general
Despite some minor errors, your essay effectively conveys your stance on the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • work-based training
  • enrol
  • university
  • advantages
  • disadvantages
  • practical skills
  • experience
  • workforce
  • employment
  • earnings
  • opportunities
  • further education
  • theoretical knowledge
  • career options
  • exploitation
  • balance
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