IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Some people think young people should be required to have full time education until they are at least 18 years old. To what extent do you agree or disagree? You should write at least 250 words.

#minutes #people #time #education #years
Whilst others oppose the fact that young people should pursue full-time
education
 after the
age
 of 18, I believe that advocating for
such
 a statement is justifiable. On the one hand, it is beneficial for
children
 to orientate their
future
 at a young
age
.
Firstly
, a
child
 could possess the ability to acquire new
skills
 and knowledge faster and that ability can be lost when they reach a certain
age
 in the
future
. Since
children
 are still in their developing stage, their ability to study new specialized knowledge is more rapid and would be beneficial for them when they grow up.
For instance
, in some countries, parents have tried to teach their
children
 mathematics at a very young
age
, and they are very successful compared to their counterparts.
Furthermore
, full-time
education
 at a young
age
 could
also
 help them not to get surprised in the academic environment in the
future
.
On the other hand
, the statement of letting
children
 learn specialized knowledge when they were a
child
 could be detrimental to the
child
's
future
 and health.
Initially
, a
child
 needs practical
skills
 and a memorable childhood before they mature. Since practical
skills
 are more imperative than specialized
skills
 for their
future
, a
child
 gather
such
skills
 in their first stage of life when they try to adapt to their new life, helping them to be more flexible in life and hindering them from stress and mental degradation, which would occur when human doing a full-time specialized
education
.
Moreover
, having a good childhood could increase their emotional intellect, which is essential for their maturity. In conclusion,
while
children
 under the standard mature
age
 having full-time
education
 does have myriad advantages, the disadvantages
outweighed
Wrong verb form
outweigh
show examples
 the advantages since it could be detrimental for them as a
child
 and their own
future
.
Submitted by bendy.anhle on

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task achievement
Ensure that your examples are specific and clearly support your main points. For instance, you mentioned that teaching mathematics at an early age is beneficial, but providing more details or statistics could strengthen this example.
coherence cohesion
Some of your sentences are quite long and complex, which can make them harder to follow. Try to break these down into shorter, clearer sentences to enhance readability.
coherence cohesion
Avoid minor grammar mistakes and awkward phrasing. For example, instead of 'letting children learn specialized knowledge when they were a child,' use 'letting children learn specialized knowledge at a young age.'
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-organized with clear introduction and conclusion sections, which makes your argument easy to follow.
task achievement
You've presented both sides of the argument fairly, which shows a balanced approach to the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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