IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantage of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#time #population #countries #adults #people #advantage #situation
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays, some nations have young
adults
 more than old
people
,
advantage
Add an article
the advantage
an advantage
show examples
 of
this
 phenomenon is the strong
economy
, and one of the advantages is
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 deficiency of employment, in my point of view I think that that
advantage
outweigh
Change the verb form
outweighs
show examples
 the disadvantages. The downside of the statement is unemployment, if the young
people
 in one
country
 are more than old ones that's what
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to
fight
Wrong verb form
fights
show examples
 over
our
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
jobs, a recent study in some countries found that the countries that have a large number of young
adults
prone
Add a missing verb
are prone
show examples
 to have unemployment.
On the other
hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
 the
advantage
 of
this
 phenomenon is that the
country
 will have an excellent
economy
, that's by having large and exciting
adults
 to work and
development
Replace the word
develop
show examples
 their
country
,
hence
, young
people
 have the passion two increase
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 output of their
country
, a prime example is Dubai, it is one of the most successful
nation
Change to a plural noun
nations
show examples
 in the world, they have strong
economy
due to
 figure of young
people
 there,
however
, having
significant
Change the article
a significant
the significant
show examples
 number of
adults
 will lead to
viable
Add an article
the viable
a viable
show examples
 and successful
country
 with
strong
Add an article
a strong
show examples
economy
.
To conclude
, the number of young
people
 in some nations over the old
people
 is a good phenomenon and the
advantage
Fix the agreement mistake
advantages
show examples
 (strong
economy
) outweigh the
advantage
Fix the agreement mistake
advantages
show examples
 (lack of environment)
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
this
 essay.
Submitted by zakiahanafy1 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Try to avoid repetition of ideas or words. For example, you've repeated the word 'advantage' in a way that can be confusing. Instead of repeating, try to use synonyms or reformulate the sentence.
coherence cohesion
Improve your paragraph structure by ensuring each paragraph has a clear main idea which is expanded upon with supporting details and examples.
task achievement
Focus on providing more relevant and specific examples to back up your points. For instance, you mentioned Dubai but didn’t give specific details on how the youthful population has directly contributed to its economic success.
task achievement
Your essay clearly addresses the task prompt, discussing both advantages and disadvantages of a youthful population with a leaning towards the advantages.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion which help frame your arguments and make your position clear.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: