IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some people believe that young people should choose the jobs that they want, but often people think they should be more realistic, and think more about their future. Discuss both views a give own opinion.

#people #jobs #future #give
It is important for
people
 to do the profession they
love
 for their future. Since, providing that
people
 do what they
love
, they make it better.
However
,
people
 must think about their future.
Nevertheless
, they may not be happy as long as they only consider regarding their next career. To illustrate, an architect creates awesome buildings, an advertiser designs interesting adverts and a sales representative sells more products etc.
Therefore
,
people
 should choose the jobs that they wish.
On the other hand
, on condition that they don’t do what they
love
, they will not be successful and they will earn little
money
.
Firstly
, it is significant for young
people
’s careers to do what they
love
. Seeing that doing what they
love
 brings achievement to them. To oversimplify, when an architect builds a good structure, everyone recommends that job and the architect succeeds in his goal.
Nonetheless
, young
people
 ought to research in detail when they select an occupation.
Secondly
, some
people
 need to do work they don’t like to earn
money
. That,
everyone
Add the comma(s)
everyone,
show examples
 hasn’t got so much
money
such
 as low-income
people
, alone
people
 young
people
 etc.
For
this
 reason, sometimes it is necessary to reckon with the future. All in all, to be accomplished in life we must do what we
love
.
Otherwise
, doing work we don’t like can lead to earning less
money
. In as much as failure does not yield
money
. From my point of view, I strongly believe that young
people
 should choose the profession that they are happy with. Later on, happiness includes success and dignity. Taking everything into account, everyone ought to be satisfied with their work.
Submitted by eylulelveren7 on

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task achievement
The essay provides a fair discussion of both views but lacks depth in terms of examples and arguments. Try to include more detailed examples and explanations to strengthen your points.
task achievement
Consider elaborating more on how realism in career choices might impact young people positively. Including research or statistics could make your argument more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Improve your paragraph transitions to enhance the overall flow of the essay. Words like 'firstly,' 'secondly,' and 'all in all' help but make sure the ideas within paragraphs are logically connected as well.
coherence cohesion
The essay could benefit from a clearer introduction that outlines the main points you'll be discussing, and a more developed conclusion that circles back to the key arguments discussed.
task achievement
You have effectively addressed both views on the topic, which shows a balanced approach to the essay prompt.
task achievement
The use of examples like 'architect,' 'advertiser,' and 'sales representative' adds practical relevance to your points, making the essay relatable and easier to understand.
coherence cohesion
The essay is divided into paragraphs, indicating a good understanding of essay structure.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion summarizes your personal opinion clearly and reinforces the main points discussed in the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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