IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In many countries, people are not looking care of their elderly relatives but seeking help of professionals to look after them. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

#countries #people #care #relatives #professionals #development
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People
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 are handing over the well-being of their elderly
members
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 of their family to professional caregivers rather than themselves in many nations.
This
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 essay
also
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 agrees with
this
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 initiative because
this
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 puts relief on
families
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 to reduce the burden off their shoulders, and the older family
members
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 can be taken
care
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 of in a better way by
professionals
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. The primary reason is, that
people
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 hand over the
care
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 of their elderly family
members
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 to professional caregivers is that they cannot do it the way they should do it;
that is
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 why they seek help from those who are trained in
this
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 specific field of welfare.
On the other hand
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, nowadays
people
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 are busy with daily life and want to hand over
this
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 crucial task to
professionals
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 to pay respect to their elderly.
For example
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, in my developed countries, there are designated
shelters
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 that provide services to retirees and older
people
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, whereby
families
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 are paying for the services of these
shelters
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 to take
care
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 of their older family
members
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. The second main reason is that, for the well-being of these older
members
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, some of the older
people
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 need special
care
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, which most
families
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 are not capable of doing so, and only the elderly home
shelters
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 can provide;
however
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, some retirees save money for their retirement, and they go to these
shelters
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 voluntarily to live in the rest of their lives, these places specially designed to take
care
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 of aged ones in a great environment with all social and cultural activities.
For instance
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, in the USA, 80 per cent of
people
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 save some amount of money during their longevity for retirement and live in
shelters
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 with better
care
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. In conclusion, the trend that
people
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 are seeking support from
professionals
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 for the well-being of their elderly
members
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 of
families
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 has become prevailing.
Firstly
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, most
members
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 of
families
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 are busy with overwhelmed schedules and are not able to pay additional
care
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 to their elders, which is very critical in many cultures;
secondly
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, some of the retired
members
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 need special
care
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, which only those who are
professionals
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 in
this
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 area can handle appropriately.
Submitted by am.edrees on

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coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical structure and flow between your ideas. Sometimes, sentences feel disjointed, and better connection words or transitional phrases can help.
coherence cohesion
Avoid repetitive phrases and make sure each point you present adds a new dimension or evidence to your argument. Some points felt redundant or excessively explanatory.
task achievement
Revise your essay to ensure all ideas are clearly understood. Some sentences seem dense and may not be easily understood upon first reading.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are strong and provide a clear framework for your essay.
task achievement
You provide relevant and specific examples that support your main points, which greatly aids in illustrating your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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