IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy?

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Nowadays, there is a controversy among people about the decisive
factors
Use synonyms
 for happiness. Some argue that having an excessive amount of
money
Use synonyms
 is the main item. The relationship between being rich and glad at the same is striking as you can have what you wish,
although
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 there are some other
factors
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 which have an effect on individuals' gladness;
this
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 argument will be discussed in the following paragraphs. As mentioned above, if a person has a huge amount of
money
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, they will possess a diverse range of products and facilities; there are some instances which can be pointed out: having accommodation in massive villas which are surrounded by great gardens, exorbitantly spending
money
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 on overpriced products, travelling with a private jet, driving a luxury car and going on expensive trips.
In other words
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, all the previous examples can bring
joyfulness
Replace the word
joy
show examples
 to individuals as they can use them unlimitedly and have fun.
Besides
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, the feeling that
money
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 gives a person is
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
incredibly power, the sense that there
is
Change the verb form
are
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 no obstacles to rescue and
such
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 fact will
bear
Verb problem
bring
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 ultimate happiness for people.
While
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money
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 is a significant factor to be glad in life, it cannot be sufficient. Some other
factors
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such
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 as having a functional family, a group of honest and loyal friends, a desirable job and a lovely and trustworthy partner are some other criteria which can be regarded.
For example
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, if a person is growing up in a dysfunctional family
along
Change preposition
with
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 various problems, they will always strive to tackle issues,
thus
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 there is no time to have fun and enjoy their lives.
On the other hand
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, an individual who has a demanding job and spends most of their time on daunting tasks will suffer a serious stress level, anxiety and eventually depression.
Therefore
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, cited
factors
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 are as substantial as
money
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 is and all of them should be considered by people to have more admiring time. In conclusion, some argue that exploiting a lot of
money
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 during life will bring happiness; it is a respectable idea as having
such
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factor
Correct article usage
a factor
show examples
 provides unlimited access to facilities;
however
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, there are some other vital
factors
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such
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 as families and jobs which directly affect
this
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 sentiment.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure a clearer division between main points for better paragraphing. For example, dedicate a specific paragraph to how money contributes to happiness and another to other factors that contribute to happiness.
coherence cohesion
Work on sentence variety to improve cohesiveness. Instead of starting multiple sentences with similar structures, vary the openings to maintain the reader's interest.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples or anecdotes to support general statements. This will make the arguments more engaging and relatable.
task achievement
The essay addresses all parts of the task effectively, discussing both how money might lead to happiness and what other factors could contribute.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and capture the main ideas effectively. They provide a comprehensive overview and summary of the discussion.
task achievement
Main points are supported with relevant ideas and explanations, which enhances the clarity and comprehensiveness of the arguments presented.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Financial security
  • Basic needs
  • Comfort
  • Luxury
  • Freedom
  • Altruistic
  • Philanthropy
  • Nurturing relationships
  • Fulfillment
  • Sense of accomplishment
  • Physical well-being
  • Spiritual beliefs
  • Community involvement
  • Gratitude
  • Mindfulness
  • Simple pleasures
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