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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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While
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 there are several benefits associated with
children
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 spending hours on their
smartphones
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, I firmly believe that the main drawbacks, particularly regarding their
health
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 and cognitive development, are far more significant. On the one hand, a notable advantage of
smartphone
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 usage among
children
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 is the accessibility and convenience it offers. Modern
smartphones
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 provide instant access to a vast array of educational resources, allowing
children
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 to learn at their own pace, which can support their academic growth.
For example
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, many educational apps and online tutorials help reinforce classroom learning in a more interactive manner. Another perceived benefit is the entertainment value
smartphones
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 offer, particularly through gaming. Certain games are designed to enhance cognitive abilities,
such
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 as problem-solving and quick decision-making, which may be beneficial to
children
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’s mental development.
On the other hand
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, a primary disadvantage of excessive
smartphone
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use
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 is the risk of addiction and dependency. Had
children
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 been less reliant on their
smartphones
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, they would likely spend more time engaging in productive activities like outdoor play or socializing with peers, both of which are essential for their social and emotional development.
Furthermore
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, prolonged
use
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 of
smartphones
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 can negatively impact
children
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’s physical and mental
health
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. Extensive screen time often results in a sedentary lifestyle, contributing to
health
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 issues like obesity.
Additionally
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, frequent
use
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 of social media can increase anxiety and stress levels among
children
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, as they are constantly exposed to unrealistic ideals and peer pressure. In conclusion,
although
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smartphone
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 usage among
children
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 may offer certain educational and entertainment benefits, the negative impacts in terms of addiction and adverse effects on both physical and mental
health
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 significantly outweigh these advantages.
Therefore
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, I believe that limiting
children
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's
smartphone
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use
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 is crucial to ensuring their well-being.

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task achievement
Although your essay is well-written, aim to provide a few more specific examples to further illustrate your points. This will enhance the essay's persuasiveness.
task achievement
Ensure all points are thoroughly developed with evidence or examples to maintain reader engagement and support arguments effectively.
coherence cohesion
Try to use a more varied range of linking words to enhance the flow and connectivity of your ideas.
logical structure
Your essay is well-structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
supported main points
The main points are sufficiently supported and well-reasoned, offering a balanced discussion on both the benefits and drawbacks of children using smartphones.
introduction conclusion present
You effectively maintain coherence and cohesion throughout the essay with logical transitions between paragraphs and within them.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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