IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people believe that governments should have access to people’s mobile phone call records and messages for safety reasons. Others believe that this information is private and should not be available without permission. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

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In the current era, more and more governments believe that people should record their own mobile phones and messages for safety reasons.
While
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 others say these
data
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 are private and not allowed by the administration. In the following essay, we will explore both arguments, and I will support my viewpoints. On the one hand, some countries require private
data
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 for the nations ,
for example
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,records of mobile phone calls and messages that protect them.
Thus
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, there are a variety of causes , the principal reason is that affects society, and the public suffers harm from some individuals in the
country
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 ,
for instance
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, stealing. After that, the
government
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 can recall all the
data
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 between them,
therefore
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;
this
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 information assists the police in catching the thief.
For example
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, my friend who works in the city had stolen his ID card and Insurance card.
Hence
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, he called for private hospitals in my
country
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 and
then
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 introduced a report to the police station. Fortunately, after approximately five hours all the cards were with him.
On the other hand
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, members of the
country
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 argue that containing
this
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 information is private for the person who returned to certain effects. The major reason is that economic effects, how is that. To illustrate more, rich men consider these
data
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 private and non-available.
For example
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, an article published in AL Watan newspaper in 2015 said " private
data
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 of people should is non-available in any administration
government
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 to protect them". That means a lot of communities suffer from breakthrough their accounts. In conclusion, I am convinced
this
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 information is private.
However
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, the
government
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 has a responsibility to know the accounts of people to obtain safety in all fields.
Therefore
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, individuals should be aware that the
country
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 desires to protect them and
this
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 is a chance to assist the
government
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's growth.

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coherence cohesion
For a higher score, ensure that each paragraph has a clear and distinct topic sentence, and maintain a consistent line of argumentation throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Pay close attention to grammar and sentence structure to ensure clarity. Avoid overly complex sentences that might obscure your main points.
task achievement
Enhance your arguments by providing more detailed and specific examples. The example about your friend was a good start, but could be more detailed.
task achievement
The essay provides a balanced discussion of both views, which shows a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
task achievement
You have provided examples to support your points, which helps to clarify your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and provide a clear overview and summary of the discussion.
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