IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

When a new town is planned, it is more important to develop public parks and sport facilitates than shopping centers for people to spend their free time in. Agree or disagree?

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People
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 have different views as to whether it is more essential to establish public
parks
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 and sports facilities rather than shopping malls for individuals for their leisure
activities
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. In my perspective, despite the fact that there are benefits of building public
parks
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 and sports facilities in a new
town
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 before others, I firmly believe that improving shopping centres brings about many more benefits to society. On the one hand, it is commonly argued that public
parks
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 and sports facilities provide advantages in three aspects. The first contributing factor is that it promotes good health as having those places can encourage
people
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 to engage in physical
activities
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 rather than sedentary
activities
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. Another point to be mentioned is about an aesthetic appeal. To be more precise, public
parks
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 could make a city more attractive and beautiful, persuading
people
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 to live and spend valuable
times
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time
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 there.
Lastly
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, it
also
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 affects biodiversity and the environment in positive ways as growing trees can be inhabitants for many birds and reduces carbon dioxide.
On the other hand
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, there are two main reasons why a new
town
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 should build shopping malls before.
Firstly
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, it enhances the economy of a
town
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.
For instance
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, residents will go out shopping, creating cash flows in society, which is a crucial mechanism for a new
town
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 to grow.
Moreover
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, it
also
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 generates job opportunities in a
town
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, reducing the unemployment rate in the community.
Consequently
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, if
people
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 have work to do,
then
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 it automatically reduces their motivation to commit criminal
activities
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. In conclusion,
although
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 there are some positives towards
this
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 approach of developing public
parks
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, I am convinced that shopping centres should be built
first,
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especially in a new
town
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.

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task achievement
Make sure to further elaborate on specific examples in your essay. While the examples provided are relevant, they could be more detailed to strengthen your argument. For instance, you can give concrete statistics or anecdotal evidence to support your points.
task achievement
Ensure complete clarity in your ideas. While the essay is generally well-organized and clear, some points could be more explicitly connected to enhance the reader's understanding. Consider using linking words to ensure a seamless flow of ideas.
coherence cohesion
Maintain logical structure throughout the essay by ensuring each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. You have done well in this regard, but there's always room for minor improvements to ensure absolute coherence.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a strong introduction and conclusion, which helps in framing your argument well. This is an important aspect of a well-structured essay and you have executed it effectively.
coherence cohesion
Main points are well-supported with relevant arguments. This demonstrates good reasoning and helps to substantiate your stance on the topic.
task achievement
Your ideas are clear and comprehensive, making it easy for the reader to follow and understand your argument. This is an essential criterion and you have performed well here.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Quality of life
  • Physical and mental well-being
  • Lifestyle-related diseases
  • Social interaction
  • Community building
  • Environmental sustainability
  • Urban heat island effects
  • Accessibility
  • Inclusiveness
  • Health benefits
  • Obesity
  • Cardiovascular conditions
  • Economic benefits
  • Tourists
  • Healthcare costs
  • Productivity
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