IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

‎ Some young people leave the countryside to live in cities or towns, leaving only ‎older people in the countryside. What are the problems of this issue? What can ‎be done to solve this problem?‎

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It
becomes
Wrong verb form
has become
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 a trend that younger generations decide to move to urban
areas
Use synonyms
 and leave elderly citizens in the rural
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will elaborate more on the problem caused by
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon and the solution that can be used to tackle it.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, many people
move
Wrong verb form
moving
show examples
 to towns will cause a housing crisis in the cities. As many immigrants come to towns, they need to buy or build houses to live.
In contrast
Linking Words
, the land available is not equivalent to the quantity of incomers which increases time by time.
Thus
Linking Words
, the housing area will not
sufficient
Add a missing verb
be sufficient
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 for all citizens.
For example
Linking Words
, there are many houses built adjacent to rivers in Jakarta, and studies showed that many of them are actually immigrants.
This
Linking Words
 issue is not solely
housing
Correct article usage
a housing
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 concern, it will affect
to
Change preposition
apply
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people's health who live there in
long
Correct article usage
the long
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 term. Talking about a solution,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 needs to increase
countryside's
Correct article usage
the countryside's
show examples
minumum
Correct your spelling
minimum
 wage. As the average salary increases, it will attract young individuals to stay in the countryside. Higher income is one of the main reasons why
younger
Correct article usage
the younger
show examples
 generation
decide
Change the verb form
decides
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 to make a career in the urban
areas
Use synonyms
,
hence
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 proposed policy will dissuade them.
For instance
Linking Words
, Jakarta's regional
minumum
Correct your spelling
minimum
 wage is around Rp 4,800,000 per month,
whereas
Linking Words
 Tegal is only half of it. It surely influences many fresh graduates to find
better
Correct article usage
a better
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 living in the towns. In conclusion,
housing
Add an article
the housing
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 crisis in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
urban
areas
Use synonyms
 is predicted to
be happened
Wrong verb form
happen
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 by
trend
Add an article
the trend
a trend
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 of moving to cities.
Government
Correct article usage
The government
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,
however
Linking Words
, can increase the minimum wage
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 rural
areas
Use synonyms
 to attract
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young people to stay.

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task achievement
Try to expand on the impact of the housing crisis in urban areas to make the argument stronger and more comprehensive. You might also want to discuss more than one problem caused by young people leaving the countryside.
coherence cohesion
Ensure smooth transitions between points to enhance readability. Linking sentences and cohesive devices could be refined for better flow.
task achievement
While the solution provided is valid, consider mentioning additional solutions to address the issue comprehensively, such as improving facilities and opportunities in the countryside.
coherence cohesion
Clear structure with a distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task achievement
Good use of specific examples to illustrate points, making the arguments more concrete and relatable.
coherence cohesion
Main points are supported with adequate explanations and examples.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • aging population
  • labor shortages
  • economic decline
  • cultural erosion
  • brain drain
  • social isolation
  • rural development
  • infrastructure decay
  • migration
  • healthcare
  • social services
  • local industries
  • agriculture
  • local businesses
  • cultural heritage
  • traditions
  • loneliness
  • mental health
  • investment
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