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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table shows the number of mobile phones sold in millions for a period of six years.

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The table shows the number of mobile phones sold in millions for a period of six years.
The table gives information about the number of smartphones that were sold in
millions
Use synonyms
 for a period of six years.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, the most sold ones are Samsung and Nokia. In
2006
Punctuation problem
2006,
show examples
 Nokia sold 345
phones
Use synonyms
 and reached its peak in 2008
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 in the
end
Add a comma
end,
show examples
 it decreased slightly
ending
Punctuation problem
, ending
show examples
 with 335
Use synonyms
millions
Check wording
million
show examples
phones
Use synonyms
 that were sold.
However
Linking Words
, Samsung
begun
Wrong verb form
began
show examples
 with 117
phones
Use synonyms
 in 2006 and dramatically increased by 2012
with amount of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 396.5.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, Ericsson and Motorola progressively went down to over
dubele
Correct your spelling
double
although
Linking Words
,
Ericsson
Correct word choice
although Ericsson
show examples
 rose very slightly in
2007
Punctuation problem
2007,
show examples
 they both
end
Wrong verb form
ended
show examples
 with the same result of 28
Use synonyms
millions
Check wording
million
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, Apple is the one that
begun
Wrong verb form
began
show examples
 to sell their products in 2007. Despite that
fact
Add a comma
fact,
show examples
 Apple made significant results by gaining 135.8
Use synonyms
millions
Fix the agreement mistake
million
show examples
 in 20012 beginning with 2.3
in
Check wording
million in
show examples
 2006.
Overall
Linking Words
, most of the mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 were increasing
its
Fix the agreement mistake
their
show examples
 sales noticeably
except
Punctuation problem
, except
show examples
 for Ericsson and Motorola
they
Correct pronoun usage
, which
show examples
 dropped gradually.Nokia is the one which remained in the leader’s position.
However
Linking Words
,
declined a bit
Correct word order
apply
show examples
the amount of the product that
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 sold
.
Correct word order
declined a bit.
show examples

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 67%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words millions, phones with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 2 times.
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