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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people state that in the period of developed IT, it is normal for teenagers to spend a lot of time on such modern gadgets as smart phones and laptops, while others say that it is a bad habit with negative consequences. Discuss both views and state your opinion.

In the modern world we live in nowadays, the development of information technology is a topic of public interest and concern.
While
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 it is believed by some individuals that it is increasingly common for the younger generations to spend almost all their
time
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 on modern devices
such
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 as smartphones and laptops, others are of the opinion that investing a large amount of
time
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 in these gadgets would come with serious consequences. Personally, I am more supportive of the latter argument. On the one hand, there are strong arguments in
favor
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favour
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 of the notion that there is nothing wrong with adolescents spending a significant amount of
time
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 on their mobile
phones
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 or their computers.
To begin
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 with, nowadays, dedicating a lot of
time
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 to using modern devices can bring about certain benefits. First of all, thanks to the increasing of information technology, they can develop themself and broaden their horizon by researching and learning many things online.
Hence
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, modern devices are essential items in humans' lives.
Additionally
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, they are able to catch up on all the news in the world with
phones
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 or computers. To make a case for
this
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, the war between Iran and the USA is happening, and teenagers should know
this
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 situation and prepare themselves beforehand.
Therefore
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, people can notice
this
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 issue without smartphones or laptops.
On the other hand
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, there are more convincing reasons to justify the other side of the debate. On top of that, spending too much on technology gadgets will come with serious implications. First and foremost, it will affect their health, especially their eyes.
According to
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 BCC news, 80% of young people get short-sighted when they are just 4 or 5 years old, as many parents leave their kids to play games or watch movies on mobile
phones
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 for over 180 hours.
Furthermore
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, since they use their
phones
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 or their laptops for negative purposes, they perhaps are not able to focus totally on their studies.
As a result
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, they would show poor academic performance. In conclusion, all things considered, it is evident that
although
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 the aforementioned arguments are justified to certain extents, it is more reasonable to say that students will have some drawbacks that are unavoidable if they spend their whole
time
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 on modern gadgets.

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task response
Answer both sides more evenly. The first side is explained, but some points are not clear enough.
task response
State your opinion in a very clear way and keep it the same through the whole essay.
task response
Use examples that are clear and believable. Some examples now feel weak or not fully linked to your main point.
coherence and cohesion
Make each main idea easy to follow. Some sentences do not connect well to the next one.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. A few are not natural, for example 'On top of that' at the start of a new side.
coherence and cohesion
Develop one idea fully before moving to the next. This will make your body paragraphs stronger.
task response
You discuss both views and give your own opinion.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphing is clear and easy to see.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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