Too much emphasis is given to education on the young. More government money should be spent on the free time activity of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

These days,
people
's lifestyles are so varied from the past, so we can see most families send their children to school;
however
, a group of
people
believe that it is important that governments invest in entertainment for the young generations. In my opinion, authorities ought to spend their money on the activity that gives useful populations for their
countries
and
health
care system. On the one hand, governments have to fund in categories that improve youth abilities
such
as education, sport, and so on inasmuch as if teenagers learn a range of skills which help them to either establish their business or work with high yield, they can be communities that help their
countries
to develop really fast. To illustrate, when the
countries
have a majority of young populations who have the ready body and they can think about how can enhance their
countries
;
moreover
, they have high education diplomas;
as a result
, these
countries
do not move reverse.
On the other hand
, adult
people
who are efficient inhabitants have been using good
health
systems on account of the fact that when you have access to a range of drugs and do not have a lot of illnesses your physical
health
is perfect;
furthermore
, when young
people
have a nice
health
system they do not have mental issues;
hence
, they have a better effect on their society.
To sum up
, The fact that pastime activities are really essential is correct;
nevertheless
, In my view, not only healthy
people
but
also
populations with high talent are more crucial for
countries
.
Submitted by maryamkazemi968 on

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task achievement
Try to develop your argument more fully in each paragraph. Instead of switching quickly between ideas, take the time to elaborate and support your points with examples.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. This helps in establishing clear links between sentences and supporting detail, enhancing your readers' understanding.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your position on government spending priorities, reasserting your main argument clearly.
task achievement
Your introduction sets the scene well by briefly outlining the issue of government spending on education and leisure activities for young people.

Fully explain your ideas

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • overemphasis
  • burnout
  • well-being
  • mental health
  • social inclusion
  • non-academic skills
  • recreational facilities
  • antisocial behaviors
  • extracurricular activities
  • diverse interests
  • personal growth
  • real-world skills
  • intellectual society
  • undue stress
  • teamwork
  • societal development
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