IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

In their advertising, businesses nowadays usually emphasise that their products are new in some way. What is this? Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

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These days, businesses claim that their goods are different and unique as compared to others. In my opinion, making a great deal of money and people’s requests are the reasons for
this
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 trend. I am
also
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 convinced that it has its own drawbacks
such
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 as economic and environmental consequences. It is my view that business managers are striving to make remarkable progress in their occupations.
Hence
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, eye-catching advertisements which are able to manipulate their audiences are more successful at achieving managers their financial goals.
Such
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 advertisements that emphasise being novel can draw customers’ attention and make considerable profits for their owners.
On the other hand
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, with tremendous technological advancements worldwide, customers are in search of brand-new things to fulfil their expectations.
Therefore
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, markets are encouraged to produce goods which align with their customers’ preferences.
For example
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, Apple Company is updating their products on a regular basis to stay in the competition cycle. I
further
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 believe that
this
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 trend has some disadvantages.
Firstly
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, people can be convinced to buy things which they do not really need.
This
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 may result in the development of a consumerism culture that has negative effects on the environment and society. Many people who live in deprived areas find it difficult to purchase
such
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 new products
due to
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 financial difficulties.
As a result
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, they may encounter mental problems
such
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 as depression in the long run.
Moreover
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, consumerism can cause major problems for the environment.
For instance
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, waste disposal may turn into a serious problem for governments. In conclusion, in my view, monetary targets and the customers’ requirements are the main causes of advertising something new. From my perspective,
this
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 notion can be detrimental in terms of socioeconomic and environmental issues.

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Overall Language Use
To improve your score further, consider varying your sentence structures more significantly and incorporating a wider range of vocabulary that is pertinent to the topic at hand. This will enhance the sophistication of your argument and make your essay even more engaging.
Task Achievement
Make sure to support your main points with more detailed examples. While you've provided relevant examples, such as mentioning Apple Company, elaborating on these examples with more depth and specifics can strongly bolster your argument and make your point more convincing.
Coherence & Cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, try to more explicitly link your ideas between paragraphs. This can be achieved through clearer and more direct transition phrases that explicitly connect your points.
Structure
You effectively introduced and concluded your essay, providing clear insight into your perspective on the issue.
Task Response
You've successfully addressed the task, providing logical arguments for both sides of the development and expressing a clear opinion.
Coherence
Your essay maintains a good logical flow, with each paragraph dedicated to a specific aspect of the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • emphasise
  • advertising
  • products
  • innovation
  • competitive strategy
  • consumer dissatisfaction
  • value
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