IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion?

#people #violence #television #computer #games #effect #society #factors #influence #behaviour
Nowadays there are countless TV channels that can be accessed at a glance. Some of them have graphical figures that might have damaging effects on
people
, especially children.
In addition
, some video games,
also
 have these bad consequences. Some argue that they should be restricted.
However
, others disagree with that idea. In
this
 essay, I will outline both views.
Firstly
, children are the most influenced proportion of
people
, because they learn so fast.
Hence
, at some points, they might act like those actors in the movie or in computer games.
For instance
, if they watch a superhero movie, they will try to imitate them. Some claim that it is a pivotal state in terms of learning in toddlers and there are some researches that prove
this
 fact. These influences might affect the future of society because these children will grow up creating that.
On the other hand
, some
people
 believe these effects can be neglected and it does not have any significant influence.
For example
, they have the tendency to watch a crime scene on TV that has occurred in their city
due to
 their belief. Apart from the contents, gaining information has been always a proper thing to do, they said. All in all, we can not apply a unique prescription to all
people
. It depends mostly on circumstances
people
 may have faced in their lives. I think illustrating violations in TV or computer games will have unexpected effects on future society and parents should address
this
 issue with their insightful minds.
Submitted by aneizehbaz on

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Task Response
The essay provides a response to the task with some main ideas presented. However, it could benefit from a clearer stance and more development of ideas to demonstrate a complete understanding of the topic.
Task Response
Work on enhancing your ideas with more specific examples or evidence to strengthen your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is logically structured, but transitions between ideas could be smoother to improve coherence. Consider using more linking phrases to better connect your ideas.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames the discussion well.
Task Response
There is an attempt to explore both sides of the argument, which shows good engagement with the task.
Task Response
The writer acknowledges the complexity of the issue by discussing different perspectives.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pivotal
  • desensitize
  • catalyst
  • predisposed
  • harmless outlet
  • distinguish
  • controlled environments
  • empirical research
  • minimal or no direct correlation
  • socio-economic status
  • predisposition
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