IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

The use of phones, tablets, and other devices when people are walking in public is causing concern among many commentators. What dangers may arise when people focus on such devices when walking in the street? How could these problems be reduced?

#phones #tablets #devices #people #concern #commentators #dangers #focus #street
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Numerous
commentators
Add a verb
commentators are
commentators were
show examples
 concerned about people, using electronic devices–
phones
Use synonyms
, tablets, and so on–
while
Linking Words
 walking in public.
This
Linking Words
 leads to the rates of
death
Use synonyms
 increases
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 issue can be solved by promoting the effects of using an electronic
device
Use synonyms
 during walking. On the one hand, there are many
cause
Change to a plural noun
causes
show examples
 of the rate of
death
Use synonyms
 including using an electronic
device
Use synonyms
. One main reason for the rate of
death
Use synonyms
 increases
due to
Linking Words
 spending time on the mobile phone in public. Most individuals use
phones
Use synonyms
 and tablets because they may immediately have to contact someone, but it causes many adverse effects.
For example
Linking Words
, teenagers use their
phones
Use synonyms
 in public to text their friends without looking street. They may get injured and some of them may die from car accidents.
This
Linking Words
 is causing them to lose opportunities in life,
such
Linking Words
 as hanging out with friends, getting accepted by universities, and so on.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 issue can be solved by promoting the effect of using an electronic
device
Use synonyms
 during walking in public.
For example
Linking Words
, the government creates a campaign about the effect of
this
Linking Words
 problem in public spaces, so individuals can realize the influence of devices during walking.
As a result
Linking Words
, the rate of
death
Use synonyms
 will decrease and they will not have to miss the opportunity in life.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the commentators will not worry about
this
Linking Words
 issue. In conclusion, using an electronic
device
Use synonyms
 in public is one main reason for the rates of
death
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, the government can solve
this
Linking Words
 by promoting the negative influence of using
phones
Use synonyms
 and tablets
while
Linking Words
 walking in public.
Submitted by Tiger23 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
While the essay generally addresses the topic, it could be improved by including more specific examples to strengthen the arguments. In addition, consider providing more detailed explanations to support the main points.
coherence cohesion
The essay is generally well-organized, with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, there is room for improvement in logical structuring. Try to use transitional phrases to enhance the flow between ideas and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
The essay begins with a clear introduction and ends with a concise conclusion that reinforces the main points. This indicates a good understanding of essay structure.
task achievement
The writer manages to address both parts of the question, discussing both potential dangers and solutions.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: