IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

The use of phones, tablets, and other devices when people are walking in public is causing concern among many commentators. What dangers may arise when people focus on such devices when walking in the street? How could these problems be reduced?

#phones #tablets #devices #people #concern #commentators #dangers #focus #street
Numerous
commentators
Add a verb
commentators are
commentators were
show examples
 concerned about people, using electronic devices–
phones
, tablets, and so on–
while
 walking in public.
This
 leads to the rates of
death
 increases
However
,
this
 issue can be solved by promoting the effects of using an electronic
device
 during walking. On the one hand, there are many
cause
Change to a plural noun
causes
show examples
 of the rate of
death
 including using an electronic
device
. One main reason for the rate of
death
 increases
due to
 spending time on the mobile phone in public. Most individuals use
phones
 and tablets because they may immediately have to contact someone, but it causes many adverse effects.
For example
, teenagers use their
phones
 in public to text their friends without looking street. They may get injured and some of them may die from car accidents.
This
 is causing them to lose opportunities in life,
such
 as hanging out with friends, getting accepted by universities, and so on.
On the other hand
,
this
 issue can be solved by promoting the effect of using an electronic
device
 during walking in public.
For example
, the government creates a campaign about the effect of
this
 problem in public spaces, so individuals can realize the influence of devices during walking.
As a result
, the rate of
death
 will decrease and they will not have to miss the opportunity in life.
Moreover
, the commentators will not worry about
this
 issue. In conclusion, using an electronic
device
 in public is one main reason for the rates of
death
.
However
, the government can solve
this
 by promoting the negative influence of using
phones
 and tablets
while
 walking in public.
Submitted by Tiger23 on

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task achievement
While the essay generally addresses the topic, it could be improved by including more specific examples to strengthen the arguments. In addition, consider providing more detailed explanations to support the main points.
coherence cohesion
The essay is generally well-organized, with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, there is room for improvement in logical structuring. Try to use transitional phrases to enhance the flow between ideas and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
The essay begins with a clear introduction and ends with a concise conclusion that reinforces the main points. This indicates a good understanding of essay structure.
task achievement
The writer manages to address both parts of the question, discussing both potential dangers and solutions.
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