The use of phones, tablets, and other devices when people are walking in public is causing concern among many commentators. What dangers may arise when people focus on such devices when walking in the street? How could these problems be reduced?
Numerous
commentators
concerned about people, using electronic devices– Add a verb
commentators are
commentators were
phones
, tablets, and so on– while
walking in public. This
leads to the rates of death
increases However
, this
issue can be solved by promoting the effects of using an electronic device
during walking.
On the one hand, there are many cause
of the rate of Change to a plural noun
causes
death
including using an electronic device
. One main reason for the rate of death
increases due to
spending time on the mobile phone in public. Most individuals use phones
and tablets because they may immediately have to contact someone, but it causes many adverse effects. For example
, teenagers use their phones
in public to text their friends without looking street. They may get injured and some of them may die from car accidents. This
is causing them to lose opportunities in life, such
as hanging out with friends, getting accepted by universities, and so on.
On the other hand
, this
issue can be solved by promoting the effect of using an electronic device
during walking in public. For example
, the government creates a campaign about the effect of this
problem in public spaces, so individuals can realize the influence of devices during walking. As a result
, the rate of death
will decrease and they will not have to miss the opportunity in life. Moreover
, the commentators will not worry about this
issue.
In conclusion, using an electronic device
in public is one main reason for the rates of death
. However
, the government can solve this
by promoting the negative influence of using phones
and tablets while
walking in public.Submitted by Tiger23
on
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task achievement
While the essay generally addresses the topic, it could be improved by including more specific examples to strengthen the arguments. In addition, consider providing more detailed explanations to support the main points.
coherence cohesion
The essay is generally well-organized, with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, there is room for improvement in logical structuring. Try to use transitional phrases to enhance the flow between ideas and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
The essay begins with a clear introduction and ends with a concise conclusion that reinforces the main points. This indicates a good understanding of essay structure.
task achievement
The writer manages to address both parts of the question, discussing both potential dangers and solutions.