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Writing Samples
Band 6

The use of phones, tablets, and other devices when people are walking in public is causing concern among many commentators. What dangers may arise when people focus on such devices when walking in the street? How could these problems be reduced?

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Numerous
commentators
Add a verb
commentators are
commentators were
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 concerned about people, using electronic devices–
phones
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, tablets, and so on–
while
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 walking in public.
This
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 leads to the rates of
death
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 increases
However
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,
this
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 issue can be solved by promoting the effects of using an electronic
device
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 during walking. On the one hand, there are many
cause
Change to a plural noun
causes
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 of the rate of
death
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 including using an electronic
device
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. One main reason for the rate of
death
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 increases
due to
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 spending time on the mobile phone in public. Most individuals use
phones
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 and tablets because they may immediately have to contact someone, but it causes many adverse effects.
For example
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, teenagers use their
phones
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 in public to text their friends without looking street. They may get injured and some of them may die from car accidents.
This
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 is causing them to lose opportunities in life,
such
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 as hanging out with friends, getting accepted by universities, and so on.
On the other hand
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,
this
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 issue can be solved by promoting the effect of using an electronic
device
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 during walking in public.
For example
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, the government creates a campaign about the effect of
this
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 problem in public spaces, so individuals can realize the influence of devices during walking.
As a result
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, the rate of
death
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 will decrease and they will not have to miss the opportunity in life.
Moreover
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, the commentators will not worry about
this
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 issue. In conclusion, using an electronic
device
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 in public is one main reason for the rates of
death
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.
However
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, the government can solve
this
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 by promoting the negative influence of using
phones
Use synonyms
 and tablets
while
Linking Words
 walking in public.

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task achievement
While the essay generally addresses the topic, it could be improved by including more specific examples to strengthen the arguments. In addition, consider providing more detailed explanations to support the main points.
coherence cohesion
The essay is generally well-organized, with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, there is room for improvement in logical structuring. Try to use transitional phrases to enhance the flow between ideas and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
The essay begins with a clear introduction and ends with a concise conclusion that reinforces the main points. This indicates a good understanding of essay structure.
task achievement
The writer manages to address both parts of the question, discussing both potential dangers and solutions.
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