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Band 4.5

In some countries, children under 16 years old are not allowed to leave school by law and get full-time work . Is this a good or bad thing ? Discuss your opinion.

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Introduction
It goes without saying that
sixteen year
Add a hyphen
sixteen-year
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 are working
full time
Add a hyphen
full-time
show examples
. An argument has been put forward that in many
contries
Correct your spelling
countries
children
Use synonyms
 are not allowed to leave
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school and do
full time
Add a hyphen
full-time
show examples
work
Use synonyms
. In my opinion,
this
Linking Words
 statement Does not hold a valid ground.
Body paragraph 1
There are many reasons why I agree with the given statement.
To begin
Linking Words
with
Add a comma
with,
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 leave
there
Correct your spelling
their
show examples
 school just because of
work
Use synonyms
. If they leave their
education
Use synonyms
then
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 is not good for their
country
Use synonyms
 and
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
education
Use synonyms
 will remain.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
students
Use synonyms
not
Change the verb form
do not
did not
show examples
 get benefits as they collect
in addition
Linking Words
 to
this
Linking Words
 when
students
Use synonyms
studying
Wrong verb form
study
show examples
 the government
funding
Wrong verb form
funds
show examples
 their
childreen
Correct your spelling
children
 and they are
self made
Add a hyphen
self-made
show examples
. What is more when
students
Use synonyms
 leave
the
Change the word
their
show examples
education
Use synonyms
 just because
money
Change preposition
of money
show examples
 they impact on community because
it's
Verb problem
it
show examples
cause
Replace the word
causes
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 a high amount of
un educated
Correct your spelling
uneducated
show examples
students
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
Therefore
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, when student goes for
full-time
Add an article
the full-time
a full-time
show examples
 job
it's
Unnecessary verb
it
show examples
also
Linking Words
impact
Correct subject-verb agreement
impacts
show examples
soucity
Correct your spelling
the city
 because the other
children
Use synonyms
saying
Wrong verb form
say
show examples
 them and they follow each of them. For intense,
Children
Use synonyms
 should
focused
Change the verb form
focus
be focused
show examples
 on their
study
Fix the agreement mistake
studies
show examples
 and play
Add an article
a roll
show examples
roll
Correct your spelling
role
show examples
 in society to increase
education
Use synonyms
 department
children
Use synonyms
.
Finally
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 are involved in driving
car
Correct article usage
a car
show examples
it's
Change the verb form
it's also caused
show examples
also
Linking Words
 cause by
Correct article usage
a majour
show examples
majour
Correct your spelling
major
accident
Fix the agreement mistake
accidents
show examples
 and transfer bad
habbit
Correct your spelling
habit
habits
 in
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
.
Body paragraph 3
However
Linking Words
, some people might argue that for
children
Use synonyms
 doing
work
Use synonyms
 is good. They believe that in many
Use synonyms
country
Fix the agreement mistake
countries
show examples
 labour
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
shourtages
Correct your spelling
shortages
 and these
children
Use synonyms
 play
good
Add an article
a good
show examples
roll
Correct your spelling
role
show examples
 in working and
serve for
Wrong verb form
serving
show examples
 their
country
Use synonyms
.
According to
Linking Words
 them
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
good
Add a missing verb
are good
show examples
to pick
Change preposition
at picking
show examples
 new things.
In addition
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 to
this
Linking Words
, they
also
Linking Words
 say that
new
Correct article usage
the new
show examples
 generation
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 intelligent
to
Rephrase
enough to
show examples
 pick things and improve or give us new ideas they serve
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their own
country
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I firmly believe that
although
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 new
commor
Correct your spelling
common
 are good
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
work
Use synonyms
,
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
show examples
there
Replace the word
their
show examples
education
Use synonyms
 will
disturb
Add a missing verb
be disturb
show examples
 when they
start
Add the particle
start to
show examples
work
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 16 age.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 are focused on
study
Wrong verb form
studying
show examples
, driving
car
Correct article usage
a car
show examples
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 not
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
things
Fix the agreement mistake
thing
show examples
.

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Task Achievement
Your response addresses the task but lacks depth. Consider expanding on your points with more detailed arguments.
Task Achievement
Work on developing clearer and more comprehensive ideas in your essay. Some points are vague or unclear.
Task Achievement
Include specific examples to support your points. This will strengthen your argument and clarify your ideas.
Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure each paragraph contains a clear main idea that is fully developed. This will improve the logical flow of the essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
Revisit sentence structures to improve clarity. Some sentences are confusing due to grammatical inaccuracies.
Coherence & Cohesion
Strengthen the logical connections between your ideas to ensure the essay flows smoothly.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, providing a good structure for your response.
Task Achievement
The essay presents an attempt to offer both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced approach.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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