IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

in many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. Tp what extent, do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In many countries,
people
Use synonyms
 are now living longer than ever before. Some argue that an ageing
population
Use synonyms
 creates challenges for governments,
while
Linking Words
 others believe that having more elderly
people
Use synonyms
 in society brings benefits. In my opinion, the disadvantages of an ageing
population
Use synonyms
 outweigh the advantages. On the one hand, the increased longevity of
people
Use synonyms
 results in a wealth of knowledge and
experience
Use synonyms
 being available to society. Elderly individuals, having spent many years in the workforce, often possess valuable expertise and problem-solving skills.
For example
Linking Words
, many senior citizens hold top positions in companies and government institutions because they are often more capable of making important decisions based on their extensive
experience
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 their
experience
Use synonyms
 is valuable in leadership roles, younger
people
Use synonyms
 tend to be more innovative and adaptable in positions that require creativity and quick adaptation.
For
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 reason, companies and institutions often prefer younger employees for lower- and mid-level roles.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, an ageing
population
Use synonyms
 significantly increases the burden on
healthcare
Use synonyms
 services. Elderly individuals are generally more prone to illnesses and chronic health conditions, requiring more medical attention.
For instance
Linking Words
, Indonesia’s national health insurance provider, BPJS, allocates a fixed annual budget to provide
healthcare
Use synonyms
 for all citizens. If a large portion of
this
Linking Words
 budget is spent on the elderly, it may not be sufficient to meet the
healthcare
Use synonyms
 needs of other age groups.
This
Linking Words
 could lead to a situation where
healthcare
Use synonyms
 services are stretched thin, and the government struggles to provide adequate care for everyone, creating an unfair distribution of resources. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 the
experience
Use synonyms
 and wisdom of elderly
people
Use synonyms
 can be an asset to society, the financial strain they place on
healthcare
Use synonyms
 systems poses a significant challenge.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I firmly believe that the disadvantages of an ageing
population
Use synonyms
 outweigh the advantages.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Your essay would benefit from a more balanced discussion of both sides of the argument. While you present a reasonable amount of detail on the disadvantages, the advantages of an ageing population are somewhat underexplored. Consider providing more examples or points in favor of the benefits to create a more balanced viewpoint.
coherence cohesion
Enhance the linking of your ideas for smoother transitions between the different sections of your essay. You can achieve this by using a wider variety of linking words and phrases to connect your ideas more clearly.
structure coherence
Your essay provides a clear and structured response to the task with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
The main points about the contributions of the elderly and the strain on healthcare systems are well supported with relevant examples.
task response
You effectively articulate a clear position on the issue throughout the essay, establishing a coherent argument for your stance.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • financial strain
  • pensions
  • healthcare services
  • expenditure
  • budget
  • taxes
  • reallocation of funds
  • invaluable contributions
  • experience and wisdom
  • decision-making processes
  • mentoring
  • cultural traditions
  • family cohesion
  • childcare
  • working-age population
  • labor shortages
  • economic growth
  • productivity
  • healthcare advancements
  • technology
  • workforce engagement
  • economic constraints
  • flexible work policies
  • part-time employment
What to do next:
Look at other essays: