IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people believe that advertisements aimed at children should be banned. Others argue that advertisements have a positive impact on children. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #advertisements #children #impact
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In the contemporary era of globalization, technology has been involved in many life sectors. A wide range of individuals are ignoring the
advertisements
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 that aim at children. Others,
while
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, believe that
advertisements
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 have a superior side effect on
kids
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. In
this
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 context, both arguments will be elucidated. On the one hand,
advertisements
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 have a significant impact on our adolescent's behaviour. It can increase their awareness of many things
such
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 as cleanliness.
According to
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 research conducted by Manchester University,
kids
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 who are watching
advertisements
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 related to cleaning, are more healthier than other
kids
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.
In addition
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, they are able to widen their creativity and innovation.
Thus
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, it can assist them in the future during their studies and work. Seventy per cent of the
kids
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 who watch ads
while
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 playing video games are more diligent than other
kids
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 of the same age
according to
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 MSA School.
On the other hand
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, these types of ads can disrupt the kid from his lessons.
This
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 can have a major impact on his grades.
Moreover
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, it can make the child think that
this
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 is the real world and he will think that whatever happens on TV can happen in the real world.
For instance
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, if a child watches a video about how parents treat their
kids
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 and purchases anything that the kid wants, he will try to replicate
this
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 thing which can harm the community. All in all, there will be a debate on
this
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 argument,
however
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, I firmly disagree with ads that focus on
kids
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. The child should spend his time in an ordinary way. Delight his time with parents and learn more from them and from school.
Submitted by mohannadsme on

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task achievement
Ensure that your essay explicitly provides examples supporting both sides of the argument with clear references to specific advertisements, rather than generalizing.
task achievement
Be careful with word choice, especially phrases like 'superior side effect,' which can be confusing. Use clearer language to ensure your ideas are easily understood.
coherence cohesion
Improve the connection between points by using linking words and phrases. For instance, phrases like 'in addition' or 'moreover' can help highlight the progression of your argument.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences could be more concise. Try to avoid overly complex structures that may confuse the reader. Simplicity can improve clarity.
task achievement
This essay successfully presents both sides of the argument, covering the potential benefits and negative impacts of advertisements on children.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-done, effectively framing the discussion and providing a personal stance.
task achievement
You provided specific statistics and hypothetical examples that demonstrate how advertisements can affect children's behavior, which lends credibility to your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • consumerism
  • materialism
  • impressionable
  • manipulative
  • discern
  • navigate choices
  • informed consumers
  • potentially beneficial
  • health consequences
  • creative development
  • imaginative play
  • economic impact
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