IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

‏The amount of time spend on sport and exercise should be increased in school in order to tackle the problem of overweight children ? Do you think this the best way to deal the problem ? what other solutions can you suggest ?

#‏the #amount #time #sport #exercise #school #children
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In recent times obesity has increased. Some believe that
sports
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 play an important role in people's lives.
Therefore
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, the
school
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 should increase
time
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 spent in the
school
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 to reduce the
problem
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 of overweight children. I think
this
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 would be beneficial for
students
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 and has many positive impacts.
This
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 essay will outline the main causes of increasing the number of hours in spending more
time
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 on
sports
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.
To begin
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, one of the first causes to be considered is that friendship plays a role in encouraging
students
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 their weight.Doing
sports
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 with peers may be helpful and enjoyable.
For example
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, my friend Fatma who suffered from obesity was able to reduce her weight with the help of her friend.
Thus
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, it promotes a sense of collaboration between study Another possible cause can be is the
time
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.
Students
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 can have more
time
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 in
school
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 rather than at home.
For instance
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,
Students
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time
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 with are empowered to spend more their family at home and study for their
school
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. To address
this
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problem
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, parental guidance has a significant role in advising their children to join in any
sports
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such
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 as local
sports
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 competitions in swimming, walking and playing football.
Furthermore
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, the governments have the priority to educate society about the negative impacts. of overweight. The result conducted at Glasgow University illustrates that 90% of scholarships help individuals to know more about
this
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problem
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. In conclusion, sport is an essential thing in people's lives.
Therefore
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, the governments should stop the idea of reducing the amount of
time
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 on sport in the
school
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. I think that it is a good idea to spread the beneficial aspects of
sports
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 and encourage
students
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 to solve
this
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problem
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 to prevent many health issues like diabetes and heart pressure.
Submitted by 13570581 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Work on organizing the ideas in a more structured manner. Some paragraphs are not clearly linked or logically connected.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that topic sentences in each paragraph clearly introduce the main idea. Some paragraphs lack clear focus.
Task Achievement
Incorporate more detailed examples and explanations to support the points made. For instance, discuss the impact of increased PE hours with more precise arguments.
Task Achievement
Clarify the main thesis and align each paragraph to reflect and support this central argument more directly.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction clearly states the problem and introduces the writer's perspective.
Task Achievement
The essay includes relevant examples, such as Fatma's story and the data from Glasgow University, supporting the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and echoes the importance of sports.
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