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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Many students like to get involved in extra- curricular activities at university such as social clubs and sports. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this?v

#students #extra- #activities #university #clubs #sports #v
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In the contemporary epoch of globalization, the education system illustrated significant changes. A wide range of extraordinary efficacies had been integrated into their classes, similar to sports and social clubs. In
this
 essay, both pros and cons will be elucidated. On the
one
 hand,
one
 of the main advantages of these activities is communication skills.
This
 skill will enhance. They will be able to cope with other people of distinct ages and areas.
One
 of the sparked examples is Egypt. In Egypt, students are encouraged to join social clubs to help people in rural and slum areas.
This
 is reflected in their attitude and makes them aware of other people.
In addition
, it will help them to improve their health and hygiene. They will do a lot of exercise.
This
 can maintain their health.
Moreover
, if someone is gifted we will able to explore him at an early stage. seventy per cent of the Olympic players were discovered during their school
according to
 research conducted by Manchester University.
On the other hand
, the first and foremost drawback is they will be disrupted during their school. They will not be able to focus on their studies and
this
 will be demonstrated in their grades,
Furthermore
, they can be injured
while
 playing any sport.
This
 injury can make them unable to study and tackle to continue their year with the school.
Therefore
, in China, the Ministry of Education enforced a rule that students can only apply to sports activity
one
 day per month to avoid any incidents and protect themselves. In conclusion, there will be a debate on
this
 argument.
However
, the government should play a crucial role to balance between studying and playing.
This
 can ameliorate the kids and improve the education system.
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coherence cohesion
Try to provide more consistent logical flow between your paragraphs. For instance, use linking words and phrases effectively to connect your ideas across the essay.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next, maintaining a clear overall argument throughout the essay.
task achievement
While you have addressed both advantages and disadvantages, you could provide more depth to some ideas to ensure a comprehensive coverage of the topic.
task achievement
Sometimes the examples provided could be a bit more specific and closely tied to the points being made. Try to elaborate more to strengthen your task response.
coherence cohesion
You have successfully included an introduction and conclusion, which frames your essay well.
task achievement
You demonstrate an understanding of the topic by addressing both the advantages and disadvantages of extracurricular activities.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • extra-curricular activities
  • soft skills
  • teamwork
  • leadership
  • communication skills
  • workplace
  • mental and physical well-being
  • stress
  • physical fitness
  • balanced lifestyle
  • academic performance
  • network
  • time mismanagement
  • academic responsibilities
  • financial strain
  • membership fees
  • equipment purchases
  • travel expenses
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