IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

More and more people today are spending large amount of money on their complexions in order to look younger. Why do people want to look younger? Do you think this is a positive or negative progression?

#people #amount #money #complexions #progression
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These days,
people
's beliefs are so varied from the past time owing to the fact that we can see a majority of
people
 who invest a great deal of money in their skin to look younger. In my opinion,
this
 happening is a negative development owing to the fact that they
use
 a range of materials that destroy the environment and companies spend too much money on investigating them
instead
 of other essential drugs;
however
, populations like to have young faces for some reasons. Unfortunately, the most important factor by which
people
 judge each other is skin inasmuch as most communities believe that when you have a good face
that is
 younger than your age, you are wealthy
people
. On the one hand, when the number of
people
 who want to
use
 facilities and materials that help them to look younger, the companies have to climb their manufacturing.
In other words
, the firms have to
use
 more than natural materials in their goods;
hence
,they destroy special spices that are the ingredients of skin drugs;
furthermore
, they injure the environment.
On the other hand
, when we
use
 a range of drugs, after time we have to improve the elements that we
use
; in fact, the pharm companies have to invest a number of money in research
while
 they can fund
this
 cost in the necessary medicines which treat some illness
such
 as cancer, diabetes, HIV, and so one.
To sum up
, In my view, looking younger is not a good factor for knowing about
people
's situation, and it has several drawbacks like injuring surroundings and
people
 who have particular illnesses.
Submitted by maryamkazemi968 on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear position on the topic, emphasizing the negative consequences of spending on complexion to look younger. However, it could benefit from a clearer thesis statement in the introduction to make your position more explicit.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, consider using more transition words and phrases to link your ideas more smoothly and clearly, making it easier for the reader to follow your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and supporting details. In some cases, your arguments need more specific examples to solidify your points.
coherence cohesion
Revise the essay to include more varied sentence structures and careful punctuation in order to improve the logical flow of your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion effectively frame your discussion, offering a clear view of the issue.
task achievement
The essay successfully identifies and elaborates on the cultural perceptions and environmental implications of spending on complexion.
coherence cohesion
You use a variety of vocabulary, which definitely adds depth to your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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