IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that only the government can make significant changes in society, while others think that individual can have a lot of influence. What is your opinion?

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In every country on the earth, there is disagreement around the topic of positive
changes
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 in
nation
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the nation
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. With regards to
this
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 topic, few consider bureaucracy can only make positive fluctuations in the country,
whereas
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 others contend it can be done by residents.
According to
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 my contention, for appropriate
changes
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 citizens and authorities play an equal role.
To begin
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 with, there are numerous ways that aid legal bodies to make admissible
changes
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in
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particular
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a particular
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society
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. First and foremost, it is the role of the
government
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 to make good rules and regulations that alleviate the growth of the region. Notwithstanding
this
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 duty, the
government
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 always make different departments;
thus
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 they can bring applicable
change
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 in
society
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.
Likewise
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, regulations can set supervision;
therefore
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 no one can break the rules of new policies;
therefore
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 it assists in bringing beneficial
change
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.
For instance
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, a recent survey conducted by Times News of India indicates that in 2000 Indian
government
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 made three
changes
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 in the education sector;
thus
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 it
assist
Wrong verb form
assisted
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 the country in bringing positive attributes to the education system.
On the other hand
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, there is no doubt residents play a paramount role in
changingchange
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changing
society
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 in appropriate ways.
Firstly
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,
change
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 with time is most vital for the growth of any community.
However
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,
change
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 is hard for individuals because of their culture and traditions. Sometimes they think
change
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 will vanish their rituals.
Consequently
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, they do not accept a
change
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 in
society
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.
For example
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, an article written by the University of New York reflects that in China many people in China still eat earth dishes and do not prefer modern utensils. In a nutshell,
although
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 bringing positive
change
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 in
society
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 is the duty of
government
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,
if
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apply
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residents of a particular area will allow those
changes
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 in
society
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 and follow in their day-to-day life.

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task achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure that your arguments are developed thoroughly. This means providing more depth and explanation in how both the government and individuals contribute uniquely to change.
task achievement
Work on achieving clearer ideas. Try to make each paragraph focus on a single clear idea and link it back to the main thesis clearly.
coherence cohesion
Strengthen coherence by using more linking words between sentences and paragraphs, which can guide the reader more smoothly through your points.
coherence cohesion
Try to improve logical structure by ensuring each paragraph transitions logically to the next. The ideas should flow in a sequence that makes sense and builds on the previous point.
introduction conclusion present
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which frame your argument well.
relevant specific examples
The essay provides a relevant example which adds weight to the argument about governmental change in the education sector in India.
supported main points
The attempt to balance the argument by considering both government and individual roles is a strong point.
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