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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that parents should teach their children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the best place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Some believe that to become good members of
society
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,
parents
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 should teach their offspring,
while
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 others think that school is the best place in
this
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 situation. In my opinion, I consider that, despite the
children
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 can learn about moral
values
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 from their
parents
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, school
lessons
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 can give deep insights to help them to become good citizens. On one hand, it is thought by some people that guardians ought to educate their infants to become good spartans because they can learn moral
values
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 from them from an early age which helps them to serve
society
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 in a good manner.
Values
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 from childhood prevent
children
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 from doing illegal activities
as well as
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 help them to stay connected to their cultural roots. In Finland,
for instance
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, crimes are very minimal because
children
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 live with their
parents
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 throughout their whole lives and learn about moral
values
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 when they are young.
However
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, I opine that
due to
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 the advancements in
society
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, to earn money
parents
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 have to work and they do not have enough time to give
lessons
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 to their
children
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.
Conversely
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, Some would say that schools can help
children
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 to be good citizens by giving them
lessons
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 about etiquette and anger management. Based on real-life problems, schools educate them on how to behave properly in
society
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 and how they can stay away from any kind of trouble.
For example
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, the school teaches
children
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 not to commit any kind of crime
such
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 as vandalism, robbery, or graffiti or
otherwise
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 they have to spend time behind bars.
Furthermore
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,
children
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also
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 learn
lessons
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 on socializing and teamwork which allows them to talk in appropriate ways to all age groups so others can feel safe and secure around them.
To conclude
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,
nevertheless
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,
parents
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 could teach their
children
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 about moral
values
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, in my opinion, schools can give deeper
lessons
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 about etiquette and socializing.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear and logical structure throughout your essay. Starting with an introduction that clearly presents the topic, followed by body paragraphs that each focus on one main idea, and ending with a clear conclusion that summarizes your points is essential. There appeared to be some structural weaknesses in your essay where transitions between ideas could be smoother and more natural.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion need to be more pronounced, with a clear thesis statement in the introduction and a definitive conclusion that wraps up your thoughts succinctly. It will strengthen the overall impact of your essay on the reader.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with specific examples. While you provided examples, they could be more detailed and specifically related to the argument presented. Ensure the examples offered truly illustrate the point being made and that they add valuable evidence or explanation to your ideas.
task achievement
Address all parts of the task. While you discussed both perspectives and gave your opinion, there is room for greater depth in exploring these ideas. Make sure your response is complete and covers the task prompt thoroughly.
task achievement
Develop clear and comprehensive ideas in your body paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph presents one clear idea, avoids repetition, and has a clear topic sentence supported by relevant explanation and specific examples.
task achievement
Provide relevant and specific examples to underpin your points. The examples used in the essay need to be more relatable and convincing. Adding real-world instances or statistics that align closely with your arguments can make your essay more compelling and credible.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • good members of society
  • teach
  • parents
  • schools
  • responsibility
  • values
  • respect
  • empathy
  • responsibility
  • formal education
  • citizenship
  • ethics
  • social responsibility
  • lead by example
  • role models
  • conducive environment
  • extracurricular activities
  • community involvement
  • collaborate
  • holistic approach
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