IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Young people who commit crimes should be treated the same way as adults. To what extent do agree or disagree?

#people #crimes #adults
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Even if criminals are younger and not mature enough should be treated the same way as seniors.
Although
Linking Words
 young people tend to think carefully before committing an offence,the rates of
crime
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 could sharply decrease if they were punished under the same rules as matures,I believe immatures are not both mentally and physically ready to be treated like
adults
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. There is a vital difference between
adults
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 and juniors in terms of emotional and cognitive development.The part of the brain which is responsible for decision-making,and understanding is not fully developed in juniors' brains compared to seniors.
For example
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, the adult prison system,harsh environment, strict rules and limited opportunities will negatively affect especially for immature teenagers who are not yet ready for these conditions both mentally and physically.
In addition
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, it is important to take their
age
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 into account prior to punishing them equally like matures.
On the other hand
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,the system of justice is equal for everyone irrespective of their
age
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,gender or even
age
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 which contributes to treating the young generation like
adults
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.After treating them the same way as seniors, teenagers may understand the consequences of committing the
crime
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.
For instance
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, being aware of the outcomes of their actions they will feel a sense of guilt which will reduce the rate of
crime
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 among younger generations and may drive them to think twice before committing a
crime
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.
Additionally
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,it is significant to reduce the amount of
crime
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 among teenagers
while
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 treating them with the same penalties as
adults
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. In conclusion,
while
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 the justice system is equal for everyone regardless of
age
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, I firmly believe it is still crucial to consider that young people's brains are not fully developed before treating them with the same strict rules as
adults
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.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure clear paragraphing and use of linking words to enhance the flow between ideas.
Task Achievement
Deepen the analysis and explanation of points mentioned in each paragraph to improve clarity.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay presents a clearly structured introduction and conclusion, firmly establishing the writer's stance.
Task Achievement
The writer raises pertinent arguments regarding the cognitive and emotional development of young people compared to adults.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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