IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people thick that the government should be responsible for improving public health. Others, however, believe that everyone should take part in this issue.

#people #government #health #part
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It is indisputable that enhancing public
health
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 constitutes one of the most pivotal responsibilities of a
government
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. A segment of the population argues that the state should deliver superior
health
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services
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 to its
citizens
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.
Conversely
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, there are those who contend that individuals ought to assume responsibility for their own
health
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.
This
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 essay will explore both perspectives in depth.
Initially
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, it is imperative for the
government
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 to facilitate public
health
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 through the enhancement of essential
services
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,
such
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 as the provision of clean water, efficient public transportation, and accessible healthcare.
For example
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, every individual should possess the right to high-quality medical
services
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 offered by the state.
Furthermore
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, by ensuring that public transportation is economically accessible, governments can alleviate the financial burden on
citizens
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.
Additionally
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, the establishment of stringent sanitary regulations is essential for guaranteeing that all
citizens
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 have access to potable drinking water, thereby fostering an environment conducive to good
health
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.
On the other hand
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, it is equally important to acknowledge the significant role of personal accountability in maintaining one's
health
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. Individuals must cultivate an awareness of their dietary choices, as these directly influence their well-being.
For instance
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, the proliferation of fast food, known for its convenience, has led many to overlook its detrimental effects,
such
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 as the increased risk of diseases like diabetes and cardiovascular ailments.
Moreover
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, regular physical activity serves as a fundamental means by which individuals can enhance their
health
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 and mitigate the likelihood of developing
such
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 conditions. In my view, a balanced approach where both
government
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 intervention and individual responsibility coexist is vital. Public
health
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 can indeed be improved via comprehensive healthcare
services
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 facilitated by the
government
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, yet it is equally crucial for
citizens
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 to engage actively in
health
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-promoting
behaviors
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behaviours
show examples
 to alleviate potential
health
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 crises. In conclusion, achieving a healthier society cannot solely depend on governmental efforts. The onus of improving public
health
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 should not be placed exclusively on the
government
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;
instead
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, it is imperative that all members of society actively participate in
this
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endeavor
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endeavour
show examples
.
Submitted by narnrs1 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that directly links to the essay question.
coherence cohesion
Use more varied linking words to enhance the flow between ideas and paragraphs.
task achievement
Include more concrete examples or data to further support your arguments.
task achievement
You provided a balanced exploration of both perspectives, which addresses the task effectively.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear and logical structure, with both an introduction and conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Each main point is well-developed and clearly linked to the central argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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