IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#countries #children #work #people
In
this
 contemporary world, more and more children
Add a missing verb
are incline
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incline
Replace the word
inclined
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 to
employ
Verb problem
work
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in rewarding jobs,
for supporting
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to support
show examples
 their
well-beings
Correct your spelling
well-being
show examples
'. Some people argue with
this
 statement, as
in in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 their ages they should study rather than
work
,
while
 others insist that it is
work
 experience that can be useful in the future
live
Verb problem
apply
show examples
. In
this
 essay, I am going to discuss both views, before getting my own opinion. On the one hand,
job
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a job
the job
show examples
 in the early years can provide a reputation, which is demanded, these days. As
,
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apply
show examples
 they do
work
, they
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 know
worth
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the worth
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 of
money
Correct article usage
the money
show examples
, in the same
way
Add the comma(s)
way,
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 they will gain and improve their
work
 experience. Young waiters, namely can enhance their communication skills and nagotiating ones, as during the orders they can interact with their visitors and boost their confidence
while
 interacting .
Also
, they would be aware of human
phycology
Correct your spelling
psychology
show examples
and marketing catches, as well. Which is
extra
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an extra
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 boost for their teenage years and adulthood
one
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apply
show examples
.
However
, children
in
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at
show examples
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
young ages should study
by
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apply
show examples
hard and acquire knowledge, since when they are young their
brain
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brains
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
a
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 period of development, where they should grasp new skills and resources
fast
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quickly
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, and
reasonable
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reasonably
show examples
.
While
 being the future adults, their
mind
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minds
show examples
 would be mostly concentrated on working schedules, rather than studying.
Additionally
, when children mostly spend their time on
work
, it
would hinder
Wrong verb form
hinders
show examples
 their general thinking and IQ, as they simply cannot talk with others, compete,
argue
Correct word choice
or argue
show examples
.
With
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In
show examples
another
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another word
other words
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words
Add a comma
words,
show examples
 they would not develop as
they
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 peers both in
term
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terms
show examples
 of knowledge and thinking. In conclusion, despite the fact that devoting
ones
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one's
show examples
 early life
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
job
Correct article usage
a job
show examples
 can offer experience and awareness of that field, I do believe that it would diminish their critical and general thinking.
Submitted by halilova039 on

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task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples or case studies to support the points made, especially when discussing real-life scenarios of children working.
coherence and cohesion
Work on enhancing coherence by ensuring each paragraph seamlessly transitions into the next with clear connectors or linking words.
language use
Pay attention to grammatical structures and vocabulary usage to maintain clarity and precision in conveying ideas.
task achievement
The essay presents a balanced view by discussing both sides of the argument before concluding with a personal opinion.
coherence and cohesion
The essay includes an introduction and conclusion, adding to its overall coherence.
content development
The author does a good job of acknowledging the complexity of the issue by mentioning various factors like communication skills, confidence, and critical thinking.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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