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Band 4

Some people think that art is an essential subject for children at school while others think that it’s a waste of time. Discuss both sides of question!

#people #art #children #school #it’s #waste #time
Some
people
 believe that
art
lessons
 should be essential at
schools
 to help children
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
strengthen their
skills
 and build their imagination.
However
, others think these
lessons
 are
unvaluable
Correct your spelling
invaluable
 and waste their
time
.
Firstly
, nowadays there are an increasing number of
people
 who evaluate
art
 and know exactly its effect
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 for kids,
have
Correct word choice
and have
show examples
 started encouraging
that
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
art
lessons
 should be essential in
schools
. That's mainly because their benefits
such
 as broaden kids' imagination,
enhance
Wrong verb form
enhancing
show examples
 their visual
skills
, and
help
Wrong verb form
helping
show examples
 them to focus and concentrate.
For example
,
according to
 most upcoming studies, students who studied
art
 at school are more creative and more concentrated than those who didn't. These
lessons
 not only give them the
skills
 that are important to their growth but
also
 it's considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a fun activity
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
it could bring happiness
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 students. Other
people
 consider
art
 as just a fun activity and a student's
time
 at school is too valuable to spend
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
on drawing or other artistic activities.
Therefore
,
schools
 should use that
time
 to teach them about other subjects
such
 as math and make the maximum benefit of that
time
 especially
kids
Rephrase
when kids
show examples
 can do
art
 at home or in other places. Those
people
don't
Verb problem
aren't
show examples
 aware
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the advantages that arts provide for children and that's mainly because they didn't get those
lessons
 when they were younger.
To conclude
, there are many opinions regarding
art
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
 at
schools
. Some believe it's important to build strong
skills
while
 others believe the opposite.
Submitted by adianalmozan on

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task achievement
Ensure your ideas are clear and fully developed in each paragraph. Try to dedicate separate paragraphs to each point for better clarity and structure.
task achievement
Try to include more specific examples or evidence to support the points you make. This can help strengthen your argument and demonstrate a better understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
While your essay has an introductory and concluding section, make sure your arguments are structured logically within the body paragraphs for smoother cohesion.
task achievement
Your essay clearly discusses both sides of the argument, effectively addressing the task prompt.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and a concluding paragraph, framing the discussion well.
task achievement
The points raised are relevant to the topic, showcasing a good understanding of the subject matter.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • creativity
  • imagination
  • problem-solving
  • perseverance
  • expression
  • cultural awareness
  • academic subjects
  • prioritized
  • career opportunities
  • quantifiable
  • resources
  • economic returns
  • technology
  • engineering
  • academic rigor
  • coursework
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