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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

some children spend hours on their smarphones. why is this case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

As digitalisation rapidly advances, individuals of all ages, including young ones, have become increasingly dependent on their smartphones. Nowadays, kids can spend half of their day scrolling on their digital devices since they are introduced to them at a very young age.
Although
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 there are some possible advantages, especially for children's educational purposes, in my opinion,
this
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 is a largely negative development. The digital era has made smartphones an essential part of people’s daily lives as they facilitate communication, work, and entertainment needs.
Consequently
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, parents tend to introduce digital screens to their kids at a very early age for their convenience. One of the examples is using digital devices to distract toddlers to make the feeding process easier.
Moreover
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, gadgets can
also
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 be the most convenient solution when adults are too busy or tired to deal with their little ones. As gadgets are already a part of their routines, young people
then
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 develop a habit of always being on their phones. The usage of phones may be beneficial in terms of learning. The youngsters could learn various skills with wider access to the learning materials online, with the presence of educational websites
such
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 as Coursera or Udemy.
However
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, the drawbacks of smartphone addiction are more significant. Kids who spend too much time on their screens may have major physical problems,
such
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 as obesity and inadequate development,
as a result
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 of a sedentary lifestyle. Added to
this
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 is the strain on eyesight resulting from excessive use of screens. Research
also
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 shows that there are possibilities of concentration problems or speech delays affecting toddlers with enormous amounts of screen time. In conclusion, premature introduction to digital gadgets induces phone addiction in children.
Although
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 there are benefits of smartphones on children's learning journey, the possible risks are more severe. Parents must make a determined effort to control their children’s screen time.

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task
Explain more clearly why kids use phones and end with your clear view in the last line. Make the task frame strong.
coherence
Use simple links to show how ideas go together. Use words like because, so, and, but to show cause and effect.
grammar
Check small errors in gram, choice of words. Use short, plain sentences to be safe.
stance
The writer shows a clear view that the topic is bad, with some talk on how kids learn.
content
Examples from online learning sites and health issue are added and help points.
structure
Uses good join words like however and in conclusion to help flow.
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