IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people think that developing countries need financial help from international organizations. Others think that it is practical aid and advice that is needed. Discuss these views and give your own opinion.

#people #countries #organizations #aid #advice
In
this
 era of international financial support especially from the United Nations and World Bank, many developing countries have become reliant on these institutions for monetary help and
this
 has raised concerns among people. Some think that the cash assistance given to them should
further
 be encouraged
while
 others have a contrary opinion.
However
, I'm in total assistance
of
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the opposing take because lending them more money will
further
 get them indebted.
To begin
, many believe that international financial aid to Africa should continue for a few reasons, one is that these countries are statistically poor and without enough funds, they would find it difficult to thrive.
For instance
, Nigeria's GDP has reduced by ten per cent over the past 8 years amidst global inflation.
Therefore
, they can only meet up with their needs by borrowing.
Also
, they need these funds for healthcare and infrastructural development which are cost-intensive projects to embark on. Meanwhile,
this
 has not proven to be economically sustainable because the more they take loans from the World Bank, the poorer they become.
For example
, the latest Bloomberg report shows that Nigeria's debt has tripled over the past decade,
hence
, making the Naira experience
threefold
Correct article usage
a threefold
show examples
 weakness against the Dollar.
Consequently
,
this
 leads to hyperinflation and poverty among citizens.
Therefore
,
due to
 these reasons, several other individuals are against the constant foreign support to underdeveloped nations
instead
, giving them intermittent advice and specific interventions would help them better. So, considering both views, I would totally discourage foreign financial aid to sub-Sahara Africa and
instead
encouraging
Wrong verb form
encourage
show examples
 them to increase their local production and exportations in order to generate money for themselves. In conclusion,
although
 both views are important based on different situations, impoverishing these countries
due to
 accumulated unpaid loans should be completely downplayed.
Submitted by callmosomitoyin on

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task achievement
To improve your Score, consider adding more specific examples or case studies to strengthen your argument. This will help demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic and show your ability to support your points with solid evidence.
coherence cohesion
Work on refining your paragraphs to ensure a logical progression of ideas. Consider using clear topic sentences for each paragraph and linking sentences to better connect the ideas between paragraphs.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction does a good job of outlining the two opposing views and stating your position clearly.
task achievement
There is a clear attempt to tackle the task by presenting and discussing both views on international aid to developing countries.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a conclusion that effectively summarizes your main point and reinforces your stance on the issue.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • developing countries
  • financial help
  • international organizations
  • practical aid
  • technical assistance
  • vocational training
  • sustainable development
  • dependency
  • misuse
  • corruption
  • empower communities
  • local skills
  • targeted solutions
  • flexibility
  • capacity-building
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