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Band 6

Many countries spend a lot of money on art. Some people think investment in art is necessary, but others say the money is better spent on improving health and education. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#countries #money #art #people #investment #health #education
Nowadays, it is undeniable that the interest of people around the world in
art
 is increasing. Many argue that it is necessary for countries to spend money on the development of
art
,
while
 others argue that some sectors are more important to develop like health and education. In my opinion, I strongly agree that the government should pay more attention to these latter areas and I will discuss my opinion in the following essay. Improving the
art
 sector will have many positive impacts,
for
instance
Add the comma(s)
instance,
show examples
 the increase of the state revenue by providing local artists some incentives to create paintings and sculptures that are pleasing to the eye and valuable in the world market.
On the other hand
, there are more fields that should be provided better
such
 as health and education. We keep seeing many problems regarding these subjects in developing countries. It will be wiser if the governments use the revenue to provide for those who are in need.
Art
 can
also
 gain the tourism sector, because the more beautiful a state is, the more it will attract tourists. Local businesses can
also
get
Verb problem
apply
show examples
benefits
Correct subject-verb agreement
benefit
show examples
 from the bright side of improving
art
.
However
, to create a nation's successors, countries need to provide an adequate balance
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 every single aspect. By continuously providing and developing better curriculum materials and increasing awareness of citizens' conditions, I think it will bring more valuable benefits. In conclusion, investment in
art
 can not be compared as necessary
as
Change preposition
to
show examples
 health and education. In order to create and maintain a good state, all fields must be taken into account.
Submitted by riani.the2 on

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task achievement
While you have addressed both views and your opinion, you could enhance the task response by providing more specific examples and details for each viewpoint.
coherence cohesion
Consider using more varied linking words to improve the flow and coherence of your essay.
task achievement
Try to provide more detailed supporting evidence when making claims about the impacts of art on tourism and government revenue.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-presented, making it easy for the reader to understand your stance and the argumentative structure of the essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically structured with clear paragraphs discussing both views and providing your opinion.
task achievement
You have clearly stated your position and engaged with both sides of the argument, demonstrating a balanced discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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