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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think that schools should stop teaching students by using books, because students find them boring and that children can learn from films, TV, video games and computers instead. To what extent do you agree?

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It is said that since children find reading books tedious, they should be replaced with the media - television, movies and computer games. In my opinion,
this
 perspective can be reasonable, especially when considering its positive effects in terms of improving students' mood and performance. In my view, in the digital age we live in, taking full advantage of advancements in technology is vital and can bring numerous benefits. Incorporating them into lessons, teachers can make the learning process more interesting.
Therefore
, these tools can act as a driving force, helping students stay motivated
due to
 the fact that they are far more attractive than the gruelling experience of reading a book.
Moreover
, they can help pupils boost their performance. In
this
 regard, nowadays, children who are familiar with artificial intelligence (AI) and make the most of it are more likely to spend less time finding the questions at hand, which can bring a sense of fulfilment.
In contrast
, another group of individuals claims that, as opposed to these devices, books can be carried easily and students can use them whenever and wherever they want. They firmly insist that the substitution of books with these gadgets seems impossible.
However
, I do not find
this
 argument as convincing as it appears to overlook the reality that these devices are not as heavy as they used to be; most companies do their best to manufacture
light-weight
Correct your spelling
lightweight
show examples
 gadgets. In
this
 regard, a recent study revealed that from 2015 to 2020, the weight of cell phones and laptops was nearly halved.
To conclude
, I completely agree with the presented viewpoint as including the media and technology in the learning process not only improves children's performance but
also
 assists them in keeping a positive attitude toward making progress.
Moreover
, these days, most devices are no longer too heavy and can be utilized everywhere.
Submitted by m.r.zamani1376678 on

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task achievement
Ensure that you fully address all parts of the task. While you have given an opinion, consider exploring opposing viewpoints more thoroughly for a balanced discussion.
task achievement
Strive to maintain a clear position throughout your response. Your position was sometimes unclear which can lead to confusion in understanding your argument.
task achievement
Develop your main ideas with more specific examples. Your examples were relevant but could be expanded with more detail to strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
To improve coherence, make sure your essay follows a clear logical progression. Use a range of cohesive devices to help your essay flow more naturally.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion should clearly reflect the main content of your essay. Ensure they summarize your main points effectively.
coherence and cohesion
Expand on your supporting points by adding more detailed explanations and examples. This will make your argument stronger and more persuasive.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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