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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that children should do sports so that they will grow up as healthy adults, but others feel sports are just about enjoying yourself. Discuss these both views and give your own opinion.

#people #children #sports #adults
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Sports
Use synonyms
 and
autdoor
Correct your spelling
outdoor
activities
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 are contentious
debate
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debates
show examples
,
whereas
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 some
people
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 think it's just
activities
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 to have
fun
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.
However
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, I
toatlly
Correct your spelling
totally
 agree that
sports
Use synonyms
Add a missing verb
are usefull
show examples
usefull
Correct your spelling
useful
 for
Use synonyms
Correct article usage
the body
show examples
body
Change noun form
body's
show examples
health
Use synonyms
,
its
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
not
oly
Correct your spelling
only
 for
fun
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 but
also
Linking Words
 for mental and
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physics
Replace the word
physical
show examples
health
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, so, thats important to have that habit
since
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from
show examples
 children.
This
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 essay will examine some
point
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points
show examples
 of
views
Fix the agreement mistake
view
show examples
 regarding
to
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apply
show examples
how important
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
exercise
Use synonyms
to
Add a missing verb
is to
show examples
 our
health
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, both
for
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apply
show examples
mental and
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physics
Replace the word
physical
show examples
health
Use synonyms
.
To begin
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 with, there are numerous reasons why
people
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 believe that
sports
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 are just for
have
Wrong verb form
having
show examples
fun
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
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, looks like doing
exercise
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 not using strategics, not using much brain, just
rely
Wrong verb form
relying
show examples
 on muscles. Another reason might be mostly outdoor
activities
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,
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people
Correct pronoun usage
which people
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 use as
hobby
Add an article
a hobby
show examples
 to release their fatigue.
For example
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, many
employee
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employees
show examples
 who
have
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has
show examples
 a job
9
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from 9
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to 5 working
day
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days
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, take off
day
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days
show examples
 and plan outdoor
activities
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 just
becuse
Correct your spelling
because
 they are exhausted
in
Change preposition
from
show examples
 their job.
On the other hand
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,
sports
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actually
Add a missing verb
are actually
show examples
 good for mental and
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physics
Replace the word
physical
show examples
health
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. Doing routine
exercise
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 gives so many
advantage
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advantages
show examples
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 for
health
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. Our
body
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 is very
sensitif
Correct your spelling
sensitive
 and
give
Change the verb form
gives
show examples
automaticly
Correct your spelling
automatically
automatic
respons
Correct your spelling
responses
, but
sometime
Replace the word
sometimes
show examples
 we
ignored
Wrong verb form
ignore
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it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
, which leads to
ilness
Correct your spelling
illness
. To illustrate, if we rarely
doing
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
exercise
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, our
body
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 will give responses,
such
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 as not
have
Wrong verb form
having
show examples
 a good quality of sleep, easier have a
headche
Correct your spelling
headache
, and other
illness
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illnesses
show examples
.
To conclude
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,
eventhough
Correct your spelling
even though
 some
people
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 think that
sports
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only
Add a missing verb
are only
show examples
 for
fun
Use synonyms
, because
it's not require
Change the verb form
it does not require
show examples
 a lot of
inteligence
Correct your spelling
intelligence
,
Linking Words
However
Add the comma(s)
However,
show examples
 it's very essential for
physics
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 and mental
health
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. As we all know inside a
healty
Correct your spelling
healthy
body
Use synonyms
 there is a
healty
Correct your spelling
healthy
 mind.
Submitted by masry.pakpahan on

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coherence cohesion
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, which is good. However, ensure that the main body paragraphs directly support and expand on the points mentioned in the introduction. Consider using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to make the structure clearer.
task achievement
Make sure to fully respond to the task by discussing both views equally, as well as providing your opinion clearly. In this essay, while your position is evident, the discussion of both viewpoints could be more balanced.
coherence cohesion
To improve clarity, work on structuring your paragraphs with clear examples and elaborated main points. This helps the reader to follow your argument more easily.
coherence cohesion
The introduction is concise and presents the topic clearly, setting up the discussion for the essay nicely.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your viewpoint, reiterating the importance of sports for both mental and physical health.
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