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Band 4.5

Some people think young people should be required to have full time education until they are at least 18 years old. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #time #education #years
While
 it
is widely believe
Change the verb form
is widely believed
show examples
 that young people should attend
to
Change preposition
apply
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a full-time
education
 course up to at least 18 years old in order to cultivate the essential
knowledges
Change the wording
knowledge
pieces of knowledge
bits of knowledge
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 efficiently, others argue that
this
only
Add a missing verb
is only
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 possible if the family
were
Wrong verb form
is
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 financially stable.
Hence
, I personally support the former statement as it can
results
Wrong verb form
result
show examples
 in several positive effects
along
Change preposition
apply
show examples
with importance of the government
to accompanied
Verb problem
accompanying
show examples
this
 scheme will be discussed
further
 in
this
 essay.
To begin
 with, it
seem
Change the verb form
seems
show examples
 sensible for many people to claim that it sounds impossible for all
children
 to dedicate themselves
for
Change preposition
to
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 study till the age of 18, especially those who are from
low income
Add a hyphen
low-income
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family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
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.
This
 is
possibly
Replace the adverb
possible
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 because
education
 can be costly in some countries
that
Correct word choice
and
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 some
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
 barely
survived
Wrong verb form
survive
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 with
small
Correct article usage
the small
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 figures they
made
Wrong verb form
make
show examples
. Take Thailand,
for example
; there are a number of students who left out of the
education
 system prior
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
 age of 18
due to
 lack of monetary support from their parents and
sometime
Replace the word
sometimes
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 they have to work at a young age in order to compensate for their household bills.
However
, I strongly agree with the claim that
support
Change the verb form
supports
show examples
 an
18-years
Correct word choice
18-year
show examples
 curriculum for
children
 seeing that
this
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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not only
benefit
Correct subject-verb agreement
benefits
show examples
 them academically but
also
allow
Correct subject-verb agreement
allows
show examples
 them to appreciate their youth. At
this
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
, it is the time for them to obtain
knowledges
Change the wording
knowledge
pieces of knowledge
bits of knowledge
show examples
 from vital subjects till
highschool
Correct your spelling
high school
show examples
.
Thus
, educational expenses can be
burden
Add an article
a burden
show examples
 for some family,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 is why the government play
crucial
Add an article
a crucial
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 role in improving the quality of life of their citizen
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 their future
working force
Correct your spelling
workforce
show examples
. In summary,
although
 it is undeniable that lots of
children
 across the globe
were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 unable to
persue
Correct your spelling
pursue
this
 mandatory course of
education
due to
 the need
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 financial survival, I am of the opinion that the government must tackle
this
 problem
as well as
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
 in order to provide long-term valuable for
children
 both academics and their life.
Submitted by kamonluck1999 on

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Task Achievement
Your introduction outlines both sides of the argument, which is good. However, try to make your thesis (your stance) clearer and more straightforward.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on making your ideas clearer and more organized. You have good points, but sometimes they are not expressed clearly or logically. Consider using linking words to connect your ideas better.
Task Achievement
Include more specific examples or data to back up your points, especially when discussing the role of the government.
Task Achievement
You understand the complexity of the topic and attempt to discuss both sides of an argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has both an introduction and a conclusion, which shows a good structure.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • fundamental cornerstone
  • literacy and numeracy
  • social inequalities
  • foundation of knowledge
  • social mobility
  • informed and engaged citizenry
  • democratic processes
  • youth crime rates
  • productive activities
  • vocational training
  • workforce
  • stifling individual talent
  • economic contribution
  • stress and mental health issues
  • unsuitable educational system
  • one-size-fits-all approach
  • diverse talents
  • career paths
  • formal academic education
  • financial strains
  • low-income countries
  • improving quality of education
What to do next:
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