IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some people prefer hobbies that require technology, while some people prefer hobbies that do not require technology. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #hobbies #technology
Some
people
 tend to have pastime
activities
 that need
technology
,
while
 others prefer
activities
 that do not require
technology
. In my opinion, I think that
technology
-free
hobbies
 are better and
this
 essay explores the pros and cons of the statement .
Firstly
, using the internet for
hobbies
 presents the opportunity to form
friendships
 with
people
 all over the world.
This
 is
due to
 the advancement and development in
technology
.
Moreover
, most individuals who connect online would have similar interests with others as they are on the same platform of interests.
For example
,
people
 in virtual exercise classes enjoy the same
activities
 and can form
friendships
 more easily with each other, compared to other
people
 who enjoy doing other things.
However
,
technology
-required
hobbies
 possess safety risks
such
 as scamming and catfishing, making
hobbies
 like
this
 less preferable, especially for children.
On the other hand
, some
people
 may argue that
technology
-free
hobbies
 should be encouraged more. I think that these
hobbies
 can help us form more meaningful
friendships
 and bonds. A study has shown that physical touch and affection with friends or family increase the release of dopamine, making
people
 feel more happy.
This
 may improve our outlook on life as a whole as our level of happiness and satisfaction is a factor in it.
In addition
, some
hobbies
 require teamwork and
this
 helps to strengthen the bonds between individuals. Whilst there are benefits to not using
technology
 for
hobbies
, the drawback of
this
 is the uncertainty of the weather during nature-related
activities
. In conclusion,
technology
-free
hobbies
 are preferable in comparison to
technology
-required
activities
due to
 the opportunities
of forming
Change preposition
to form
show examples
 stronger
friendships
 and the possibility of improving our lives.
Submitted by d.adeliasong on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Try to balance the length and detail given to each side of the argument for a more balanced discussion.
coherence cohesion
Introduce transitions between paragraphs for a smoother flow of ideas.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to illustrate points, particularly for technology-free hobbies.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction clearly states the topic and the writer's opinion, which sets the stage for the rest of the essay.
logical structure
The essay offers a logical structure, discussing both views before providing a personal opinion in the conclusion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: