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Band 7.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think is a positive or negative development?

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With the advancement of technology, young people use their spare
time
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 by using mobile devices. There are many reasons behind
this
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 condition, at the same
time
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, both positive and negative impacts exist. In my perspective, the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.
To begin
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 with, the majority of children are using mobile phones in their free
time
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 almost every day. One of the main reasons for
this
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 is that technology utilization saw significant growth in many industries
such
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 as the manufacturing of smartphones, tablets, computers, and electronic devices at affordable prices.
This
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 is leading to an enhanced desire for people to own a smartphone, where they can watch not only a lot of video clips through social media platforms but
also
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 play games by installing gaming applications. On the one hand, a wide range of positive developments may be caused by using smartphones. It is likely to improve children’s creativity and problem-solving skills by playing visual games.
In addition
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, they can gain knowledge about their specific interests either in education or in sports by watching influencers' vlogs, which can be seen on TikTok.
Moreover
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, familiarity with technology is
subsequently
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 beneficial for young people as they can apply
this
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 insight in their potential careers or future.
On the other hand
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, many drawbacks can be raised in both physical and mental health problems. Spending too much
time
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 on screens causes physical health issues, particularly, poor eyesight, meanwhile, it creates a sedentary lifestyle, which may hinder to do many outdoor activities.
Furthermore
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, isolated children prefer playing games inside rather than hanging out with their friends, which offers negative development , particularly, in communication skills.
This
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 is because the fear of strangers possibly encourages them to avoid meeting with friends, which makes them
be
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apply
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more isolated kids. In conclusion, after consideration of the reasons and impacts, I believe that the drawbacks of
this
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 case will be greater than the benefits for each young person for now and for their future.

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coherence and cohesion
Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next to enhance the flow of arguments.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples or statistics to strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
Try to balance the discussion of the positive and negative impacts more evenly.
coherence and cohesion
The essay provides a clear and comprehensive introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the discussion.
coherence and cohesion
Main points are supported with explanations, showing a good understanding of the topic.
task achievement
The task is addressed effectively with a complete response to both parts of the question.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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