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Writing Samples
Band 5

In the 30 years the world has seen an increase in immigration. Many people point out the benefits of this, whereas others believe the negatives outweigh the positives. Discuss both of these viewpoints and give your own opinions.

#years #world #immigration #people #point #negatives #positives #viewpoints
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In the past 30 years, the world has experienced an increase in immigration. Many
people
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 believe that it is beneficial,
while
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 others believe that the drawbacks outweigh the benefits. I personally believe that
while
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 immigration is responsible for forgetting the
traditions
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 of the immigrants, it actually brings improvements in the lives of immigrants. To start with,
people
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 generally migrate to another
country
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 for the improvements in their lives. Migrating to a different city helps
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
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 to to utilize their full
potentials
Fix the agreement mistake
potential
show examples
. They start a new life when they migrate to a different
country
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. They explore better
opportunities
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such
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 as education, employment, entertainment, and safety.
For example
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, many
people
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 migrate to Australia as students, and they migrate to build a better career compared to their home
country
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.
Therefore
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, I personally believe that migrating to another
country
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 is
worthy
Replace the word
worthwhile
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. Migrating to a different
country
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 makes the migrants
forgetting
Wrong verb form
forget
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 their own
traditions
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. When migrants move to different countries, there are
less
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fewer
show examples
 chances to follow their own native
cultures
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 and
traditions
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.
Therefore
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, migrants forget their own
cultures
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,
Remove the comma
apply
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 and follow the
cultures
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 of the new
country
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.
For example
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, around 65% of Indians believe that they do not get
much
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many
show examples
opportunities
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 to celebrate their own
cultures
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 and
traditions
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 in the new
country
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.
However
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, I firmly believe that migrating to a new
country
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 is useful because
people
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 explore a lot of
opportunities
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 here. In conclusion,
people
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 believe that migrating to not helpful because
people
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 miss following their
cultures
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 and
traditions
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.
However
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, I feel that it is useful because
people
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 get a lot of
opportunities
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 to explore to change their lives.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

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task response
Ensure that your argument addresses both positive and negative aspects of immigration more equally. Expand on the drawbacks discussion to provide a more balanced view.
coherence cohesion
Enhance the logical flow by using more cohesive devices or linking words to connect ideas smoother between sentences and paragraphs.
task response
Provide more varied and specific examples to support your points, which will add depth to your arguments and make them more convincing.
coherence cohesion
The essay offers a clear structure with an introduction and conclusion that summarize the essay's main arguments well.
task response
The response maintains focus on the topic of immigration and its effects, ensuring the task is addressed directly.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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