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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people say that the best way to improve the overall general health of the public is to offer more sports facilities. Others say that this would have little effect and other measure are necessary to improve public health. Discuss both views.

#people #health #offer #sports #facilities #effect #measure
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few
people
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 argue that taking part in
sports
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 is more effective for
health
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while
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 others think that public
health
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 can be improved by taking other initiatives.In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both points of view related to public
health
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. on the one hand,
sports
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 activities are important for improving the
health
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 of both men and women because they help to boost the immune system of the body
as well as
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, protect us from many diseases like cardiovascular disease, hypertension and stress level of a person.
Furthermore
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, doing exercises lowers your cholesterol level so that your heart remains healthy and you have fewer chances of cardiovascular attack.
secondly
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, working out and going to the gym keep
people
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 refreshed and keep them away from many negative thoughts that make your daily life difficult.
Additionally
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,
people
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 are less indulged in mental illness
while
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 going to the gym.
For example
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, in one study it has been shown that in Pakistan 85 % of
people
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 have heart problems because of not doing regular exercise.
Therefore
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 it is very important to do daily exercises.
on the other hand
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,
besides
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sports
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 there are many other methods to keep
people
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 healthy like daily home activities, like moving, going up the stairs and
while
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 some
people
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 think that doing routine work is just like doing a gym at home
as a result
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, their
overall
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 physical
health
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 is effected by doing just little routine work.As compared to
sports
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, a proper diet have
also
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 beneficial effects on
health
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 eating apples keeps you away from the doctor and consuming proper amounts of nutrients keeps you mentally
as well as
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 physically healthy.
For instance
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,
people
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 who eat unhealthy food are at increased risk of obesity, and non-communicable diseases.
hence
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besides
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sports
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 other factors
also
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 contribute to
health
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.
To sum up
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,
sports
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 are very important to keep us safe and sound but some other factors are
also
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 important like healthy diets.
Submitted by madihaali8470 on

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task achievement
Try to refine your introduction by clearly stating the central argument and framing it more precisely. This helps in setting up a clear direction for your essay.
task achievement
Include clearer and more specific examples to back up your arguments better. This could add strength to your essay and make your opinions more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Strive for better logical transitions between points. While the general flow is understandable, evident signals when changing ideas would enhance coherence.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents an appropriately structured introduction and conclusion, quickly setting the context and wrapping up the discussion.
task achievement
You effectively present both sides of the argument regarding how to improve public health, touching upon various perspectives.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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