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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are tought to cooperate rather than compete become more useful adult. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #sense #competition #children #tought #adult
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It is often argued that few people believe that
children
 should compete with their friends
while
others
 think that
children
 should learn to understand each other
instead
 of comparing with
others
.In
this
 essay, I will discuss both points of view related to competition.As far as I'm concerned, I agree with the notion that
children
 should cooperate with each other. Starting with the ability to compete with
others
, many
children
 are encouraged to compare themself with their class fellows to achieve higher goals
while
 some
children
 are motivated by their parents to gain higher grades in the class even though, they think that not scoring higher marks than their mates will be the matter of disappointment for them
for example
, in one study it has been shown that 75% parents are authoritative that punish their
children
 not to get higher rank in the school.
whereas
 competition is sometimes better for
children
 to strive for excellence, it makes them more creative and open-minded and opens the door to their success. Moving toward the opponents of competition, because they think that it leads to negative self-image and self-destruction.
However
 cooperative abilities make
children
 more positive and develop deep insight
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
furthermore
,
children
 become capable of understanding things by sharing their thoughts, and material thing
as well as
 their notes to help other
children
, it develops a strong sense of attaining shared goals, and problem-solving skills as they play together as a team
for instance
, it can be seen in jigsaw puzzles and tower building.
Hence
 helping
others
 is the first cooperative behaviour of
children
.
To sum up
, it is beneficial to compete with
others
 to gain bigger goals but cooperation leads toward equality and patience .
Submitted by madihaali8470 on

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coherence cohesion
To enhance the coherence of your essay, work on refining your paragraph transitions and ensuring that each paragraph clearly transitions from one idea to the next.
task achievement
Consider elaborating more on the examples you provide. Adding more specificity can help illustrate your points in a clearer manner.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly presents the topic and the writer’s stance, setting up the rest of the essay effectively.
coherence cohesion
The essay concludes with a summary that ties together the main points discussed, which aids in overall coherence.
task achievement
The essay acknowledges both sides of the debate, showing a balanced approach to task achievement.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Sense of achievement
  • Personal growth
  • Strive to excel
  • Motivate
  • Reach full potential
  • Determination
  • Resilience
  • Failures and setbacks
  • Team skills
  • Harmoniously
  • Critical life skill
  • Professional environments
  • Empathy
  • Instill
  • Balanced approach
  • Well-rounded individuals
  • Personal accomplishment
  • Collective success
  • Competition
  • Cooperation
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