IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In some countries, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There seems to be a debatable issue in which more and more parents motivate their offspring to strive for their
goals
Use synonyms
 in some nations.
Such
Linking Words
 motivation has the full potential to bring an array of tangible merits to the development of
children
Use synonyms
 no matter how sceptical others feel. Now, I will make the issue clear in order to arrive at the
last
Linking Words
 but not least conclusion. First and foremost, different classes of society insist that blaming
children
Use synonyms
 for not trying hard enough affects adversely their development.
Nonetheless
Linking Words
, it would be better to motivate
children
Use synonyms
 in their daily lives. Particularly, a vast majority of
children
Use synonyms
 give up accomplishing their
goals
Use synonyms
 in light of having no one to get inspired. If parents or tutors supported
children
Use synonyms
, they would become self-assured and mature individuals to fulfil their
goals
Use synonyms
.
In other words
Linking Words
, warm words or motivation are badly needed for
children
Use synonyms
 to gain confidence.
That is
Linking Words
 all I have explained about the issue like the coin flips over two sides. When it comes to voicing my opinion, motivating
children
Use synonyms
 has several brighter sides eventually. More importantly, it is true that everyone needs to develop their willpower to overcome hurdles in life. If I lay my cards on the table, willpower and tolerant behaviour provide
children
Use synonyms
 with a successful future. To cite the Jewish people as an example, parents and tutors make
children
Use synonyms
 embrace that good things come at a cost.
As a result
Linking Words
 of it, adolescents grow up to be enthusiastic people who can get through obstacles in their lives. It is the most reasonable paradigm.
Last
Linking Words
 but not least, I am confident that encouraging
children
Use synonyms
 with warm words or stories helps them to keep going for the sake of their
goals
Use synonyms
whereas
Linking Words
children
Use synonyms
 need to have the willpower or persistent behaviour to
building
Wrong verb form
build
show examples
 a brighter future even if some people never feel advocative with my point-of-view.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay provides a general response to the task, but it could benefit from a more focused discussion on both the advantages and disadvantages equally. Ensure that both sides of the argument are covered comprehensively.
coherence cohesion
While there is an introduction and conclusion, the main points should be more directly connected to the advantages and disadvantages presented in the task. Consider refining your paragraph transitions to enhance flow.
task response
Some of the points made in the essay are broadly discussed. It would strengthen your argument to incorporate more specific examples to illustrate your points more clearly.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a strong introduction and conclusion, clearly framing the discussion around motivating children.
task response
The essay mentions cultural examples, such as the Jewish community, to support arguments on motivation and its impact.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • perseverance
  • work ethic
  • self-esteem
  • confidence
  • undue pressure
  • unrealistic goals
  • disappointment
  • contentment
  • teamwork
  • emotional intelligence
What to do next:
Look at other essays: