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Band 7.5

Today’s teenagers struggle with many social issues. Some people think that is because their parents are spending more time at work than at home. Do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays, the younger generation tends to struggle with many
behaviour
Replace the word
behavioural
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 problems in their lives. Some regard
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as a result
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 of a lack of bonding between parents and children since they work a lot. Personally, I think there are two sides to
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 matter and a mother and a father are not solely responsible for the creation of
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 abnormality.
Firstly
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, as a teenager, one faces a lot of social and physical adversities and cannot tell what is right or wrong all the time without guidance. The lack of a mentor, if it is not addressed correctly might have everlasting impact.
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 is a major issue in households, where both parents work overtime and children feel left out because no time is dedicated to them
due to
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 parent’s work pressure.
For instance
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, when a child starts high school there are high chances of bullying and depression.
Consequently
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, more and more negative emotions build up in youngster’s minds with no guidance to deal with them.
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, some become more aggressive or use chemical substances and drugs to sense relief from the hardship they go through.
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, parents's lack of time is not the only reason for a bad outcome on a child’s characteristics.
On the other hand
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, it is universally acknowledged that the teenage phase serves as a foundation for a good personality. There are a number of factors involved in
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 process of shaping their mindset, like the governmental role in advertising positive behavioural patterns and changing the educational system to support children.
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, schools must take harassment and bullying of all kinds very seriously and encourage students to stand and support each other during troubled times and accept each other’s differences in a matter of gender identity or physical shape. In conclusion, teenagers find themselves in lots of trouble because of how they behave in society which can be a result of the environment they live in or individuals influence. In order to help a child to be a good citizen all aspects of a normal upbringing
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 as the role of a family and community must be taken into consideration.

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task achievement
Expand on the role of parents and other societal factors a bit more for greater depth. Discussing concrete ways parents might compensate for working hours can enrich the discussion.
coherence cohesion
Consider using clearer transitions between paragraphs to further enhance the logical flow of ideas.
introduction conclusion present
You have a clear introduction and conclusion that frames the essay well, providing a strong sense of beginning and closure.
task achievement
The essay effectively discusses multiple perspectives, showing a balanced view of the topic.
task achievement
Solid examples are provided to illustrate points about parental influence and societal roles, showing understanding of the topic.
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