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Band 4

The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems due to being overweigh is increasing. What are the causes and solutions of this problem.

#people #risk #health #overweigh
One of the primary causes of
obesity
Add an article
the obesity
show examples
 problem is
unhealthy
Correct article usage
the unhealthy
show examples
 lifestyle that people
immerse
Wrong verb form
are immersed
show examples
 in
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
. People have reduced their healthy practices over the previous year by converting their diet and depend mainly on fast food and high-calorie meals.
Furthermore
, they decrease their active time and lean toward relaxation without any exercise or activities that could burn these calories.
For instance
,
according to
 most leading
organization
Fix the agreement mistake
organizations
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, the percentage of people who do exercise
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 decreased dramatically over the
last
 decade, and that was the significant reason
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 these problems.
Additionally
, under-processed foods that
Submitted by adianalmozan on

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task achievement
Try to provide a complete response to the essay prompt. The essay should discuss both causes and solutions to cover the question fully.
task achievement
Ensure that main points are clearly supported with relevant, specific examples and evidence.
coherence cohesion
Consider adding an introduction and conclusion to give the essay structure and to clearly frame your argument.
coherence cohesion
Organize the paragraphs with logical connectors to improve the overall flow of ideas.
task achievement
The essay identifies unhealthy lifestyle choices as a cause of obesity, which is relevant and directly answers part of the question.
task achievement
The essay uses specific data about the decline in exercise to illustrate the point being made, which strengthens the argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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